the-village-education-and-growth-collectiv

For the Love of Family

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

Zaria felt the light before she could see it, keeping her eyes closed for as long as she could. Another day. A sigh reverberates through her body.

Rather than rise to face the day, Zee (as she’s known to her friends) wants to stay in bed. In fact, she wants to hide, maybe even disappear.

No. No. She cannot allow herself think about why because the tears will come.

Too late. Her closed eyes fill and the all-too-familiar ache in her heart begins to well up, threatening to spill onto her pillow. Her cat comes over and nuzzles her nose. The floodgates break.

With dread that is palpable, Zee wipes her eyes and begins to pull herself up and push herself out of bed. She knows what’s coming. First, she’ll have to rush to her brother’s house to drop off the book he left at her place last night. She’ll probably skip breakfast like every other day this week. Her stomach moans just thinking about it. Then, she’ll have to run the long list of errands her mother casually texted yesterday without even a “Would you mind?” Then, she’ll be off to the park to pick up her twin nieces. She watches them (for free) three afternoons a week. After that, her older brother “needs” her to take the car in for a wash.

Zee runs through all this in her head and starts to feel hopeless. She’s really missing her new boyfriend, but she has had to cancel their last three dates because her parents, cousin, or siblings have needed her so often.

Now, she finds herself also wondering when she be able to finish her schoolwork? Will she rest again before her next shift at the hospital? She’s so tired of being a nursing assistant, but she can’t seem to finish her nursing degree because of all the demands her family places on her. As the only single one of the adult siblings, it is assumed (as no one ever asks her) that she can handle everyone’s bits and pieces.

Whenever she complains, she is met with eye rolls, pouting, giggles or is ignored altogether.

“Come on, Sis! What else do you have going!? It’s family first, after all, right?”

Zee just doesn’t know how much more she can take.

Does any of this resonate with you? Or do you know someone whose whole life seems dictated by the needs of their family? Has this ever been you? If so, then you are familiar with the “rock and hard place,” the bedraggled Zee faces daily.

As we learned in the main blog, love is complicated. It is so complicated, in fact, we have decided to delve into Greek to give several facets of love particular names in order to begin the process of looking at all its component parts. This week, we are taking a look at: Storge. This is the love of family and the familiar.

Storge can be one of the most grounding, safe, warm, and comforting loves on earth. When all is well, storge will rescue you on the side of the road at 2:00 am without a bat of the eye (or, at least whatever teasing happens is loving and playful). It sits up with you when you have a fever, searches high and low to buy you your favorite color thingamabob, and even helps you move house, drive to the airport, and organize the garage. Storge does not care how tall or wide you are, how much money you make, what color your hair, skin, or teeth are, or what you choose to do with your days. Fully “as is,” you are loved and accepted.

However, as with most things, there can be challenges to this love. The way these usually manifest is when familiar people or family members become overly familiar to the point that common considerations are completely forsaken. When this happens, boundary lines fade (or disappear entirely) and family members begin to take advantage of one another.

It is important to understand this as a corruption of this love and not an inevitable outcome.

You read that right. No. It is not okay for those closest to us to take advantage of us or each other.

This may be shocking to some, so let’s make sure we understand.

First of all, we are all used to the lower impact level of this behavior, such as when Auntie Sue leaves a voicemail telling (not asking) you to pick up her dog, Boris, on Friday afternoon and you are pretty sure she knows you have a college class then. This is inconsiderate and even a bit of entitlement. Generally speaking, drawing a boundary or simply saying “no,” ought to be enough.

However, when things rise to the level of what Zee is experiencing, when one or more family members is draining us of energy with their many demands (especially for things that are clearly their responsibility or no prior agreement or culture (see below) dictates are known). Most often this occurs without compensation of any form. Maybe not even a “Thank you.” Other examples include being asked to compromise important values, go into debt, or when any form of coercion is employed to get you to comply.

As you read that, you may have little trouble agreeing these things are wrong. However, people can be rather crafty and manipulative, and you may not even know what is happening. Unspoken rules of society that we internalize but never quite articulate are not much help either. Think about Zee. Can you imagine how easy it would be for her to justify what is happening? After all, her sister has a lot on her plate. Zee is single, so she “should” be free to watch her nieces anytime, right? Then, of course, her mother gave her life, took care of her for almost twenty years, and now she is older and needs help. It is Zee’s duty to “give back” now, she might tell herself. I mean, she has plenty of time to find a partner. She’s smart, she probably doesn’t need to study too much. Or eat. Or rest…

Are you starting to see the problem?

Clearly, one of the benefits of storge is the lengths to which people will go for each other and the assurance and safety that brings. So, how do we know when “enough is enough?”

Here are a few measuring sticks you can consider.

Resentment – Your Good Friend! It is certainly true we will be called on to go the “extra mile” for family members from time-to-time (or maybe even often during certain seasons). This is good, healthy, and necessary for the flourishing of all. We will often feel inconvenienced or even annoyed at some requests. This is to be expected since we cannot always guess when may be called upon or for how long. However, when we go beyond the typical frustrations and move into resentment, trouble may be brewing.

Resentment is the “blocking” emotion we feel when we strongly resist doing something for someone else and we start to want to pull away from them (or even develop angry or hateful thoughts toward them). Further, it is the result of when our boundaries are (usually repeatedly and/or intensely) crossed, and we are the ones allowing it.

That last bit might be surprising. We tend to think of resentment as being the result when others take advantage of us. Actually, that generally results in anger. When we notice resentment, it is alerting us that we are not guarding our boundaries well.

The Double-Standard Test. This one is somewhat straightforward. If you are unsure if something you are experiencing is a problem, ask yourself, “If someone I cared about felt like I do about this exact same thing, what would I say to them?” If you would tell them, “It’s too much!” or “Draw a boundary!” and you would understand if they were unhappy, then hopefully this knowledge will give you the boost you need to do the same.

First, Do No Harm . Though connecting with and helping family can cause some level of stress, keeping the “First, Do No Harm” motto in mind can help ensure there is balance. One area this thought may need to apply in particular is with cultural issues. A true and deep discussion of culture is beyond the scope of this article, but it is important to acknowledge there are differences.

Those born and raised in the United States who are of European heritage often lean heavily into an individualistic mindset as they grow into adulthood. Family ties may be strong, but each person’s responsibilities tend to focus toward their own needs or the needs of their nuclear family rather than family of origin or extended family. This is, of course, not always the case. However, it is far more often so than with collectivist cultures, where responsibility and attention toward origin and extended family may be significantly higher for one’s entire life.

Rather than a pure focus on ethnic culture, though, understand that if your family fits into a structure where family as a whole is of central importance throughout life, the value of this continued focus may allow for more extensive interactions with family overall. However, all of the above information still holds when the demands are coercive, make you sick, or make you feel diminished, unloved, or abused. It is important to find a way to talk to close and important people in your life and let them know how you are feeling. Many times, people are well-meaning and there is simply no awareness of the strain.

Entire books could be written on this subject, but hopefully, as you continue to ponder storge and all it means, your awareness of your place in your “family/familiar” will increase and if you find yourself struggling with the demands of said family/familiar folks, you will seek help. Finding a counselor who shares your culture or is highly educated/experienced in your culture may be a priority for some. If that is not necessary or available, any well-trained therapist will likely be equipped to help you examine your values and practice new ways of communicating. Please seek help.

The moral of the story is: Make sure to keep washing the robe – and require other close ones to do the same!

Come back next week, when we will explore the next facet of love, namely philia. Don’t miss it!

Word of the Day: Storge

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

Welcome!

If you read the lead blog post for this month, Love by Any Other Name Might Just Help! then you know we will be expounding on four Greek words for love in order to grow our knowledge about this oft misunderstood yet all-important concept. In the main post, we also learned that love is both noun (feeling) and verb (action). It is not something that can exist in isolation, but it develops within a source and is given to/shared with an object. When you love your Mini-cooper, you are the source and the Mini is the object. It may hit you as cold to talk in terms of source and object, but this will bring clarity if you let it. Simply replace these words with whatever you want them to represent as you are reading.

Now, you can be both source and object, but both source and object must exist, or love will die. Love need not be reciprocated, but this is often exceedingly painful, even fatal in some cases. If you are feeling as if you are not receiving the love you need, please talk to someone nonjudgmental and/or who is trained to understand this need and can help you learn safe and fulfilling ways to connect.

This is so important! Love matters. Love underpins, highlights, and encompasses everything. It is the main ingredient in our search for significance, power, hope, and creativity. Like it or not, when all is said and done, love is what we want more than anything else.

Love is also exceptionally complex. Therefore, to deepen our understanding of it, let us begin with our first Greek word: Storge.

Recall the chart from the main blog:

Storge is the type of love we feel for those people, places, animals, and things that are a regular and usually fixed part of our lives. That which is familiar. It is also the love we feel for family members, who also fit the category of familiar.

There are advantages and challenges with all forms of love.

One of the blessings of storge is that features of the “object” that are important for other loves do not matter much at all. Uncle John can have that big growth on his nose and Cousin Jane can talk endlessly and you still “storge” them. Size, shape, financial fitness, cleverness, chosen line of work, and a myriad of other personal features generally do not negatively impact or reduce storge. The object is accepted, even prized, just as the object is.

This does not mean the standard irritations or inconveniences do not occur. It is just understood that those in storge will continue to be in relation to the source and the familiarity and continued closeness brings an affinity with it. These objects represent safety, intimacy, and acceptance just because they are so familiar. The idea of removing these objects from life is nearly inconceivable to the source.

There is a price to pay for this at times, though.

C.S. Lewis, when talking of storge in his essay on The Four Loves1 said, “Storge is much like the warm, fuzzy, comfy robe we wear that makes us feel so at home. The problem arises when we stop washing the robe.” (Paraphrased).

What Lewis meant here is that storge, being the love of things familiar, allows for a certain “taking for granted,” of the object(s). We can stop our courtesies, self-control, and consideration of our familiar objects and can become lazy, demanding, and even belligerent because we grow to simply expect them to always be there. It is difficult for to keep up pretense around that which is “always there.”

This is the basis for the sometimes misguided idea that we are to “do anything for family.”

Is that how your family is? Is that how you wish it was? Return on Thursday as this important idea is discussed in some depth.

Lewis, C.S., (2017) The Four Loves; Reissue Edition. HarperOne. New York, NY.

“LOVE BY ANY OTHER NAME…MIGHT JUST HELP! How the Greek Words for Love Can Help Us Gain Clarity”

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

English is a goofy language.

One can be right or turn right.

You can be there, their, or they’re.

Perhaps most troubling of all, though, is that one can love their family and their hamburger! The broadness of application of this word in our common vernacular is so vast as to make it pretty close to meaningless!

So, to keep you on your toes and to keep your reading fresh, I will depart from the typical science-y focus this month (mostly) and do what I can to lay a firmer foundation for one of the strongest (and most necessary and most misunderstood) forces on the planet: Love.

Whether we like to admit it or not, an abundant life requires good and proper doses of love – but what does that even mean? How do we know we have it? What does it look, feel, and act like? If you can love your sister and your favorite key chain, does that say anything at all about either of them?

Let’s take a deep dive into this word and see if we can gain some clarity – and maybe even mine a bit more of it in our lives!!

Two Parts of Speech

It can help to note that the word love can be either a noun or a verb. I know…I know. Whoosh – back to third grade where Ms. Pipenhoffer gave you a bad time for not mapping your sentences properly. Bet you never knew parts of speech would come in handy when it came to love!

Love as a noun is, more or less, the “warm fuzzy” part of love. It is all the body sensations and inner “knowings” that indicate love is occurring inside of you. It is the chemical wash and feeling of love – the thing that bonds us and draws us toward something.

When acting as a verb , however, love is in action. Care, consideration, compassion, respect, and other words describe love in motion. Love that, as Bob Goff would put it, “Does.”

You might wonder why this matters – and you know I’ll tussle your hair and say, “I’m so glad you asked!!”

Remember that time your best friend said they’d be away for your birthday, but you found out later they spent the day at the mall? You didn’t talk for months after that, but then she called you and you two are trying to work things out, but you are just not “feeling it?” You value your friendship, and you understand why she did what she did – she didn’t like one of the people at your party and was afraid to tell you. She thought she’d sound petty. Knowing that love can be displayed in your actions and not always in your feelings – and it is still love - can help during a healing process.

You also are not required to have warm fuzzies for yourself! You are, however, in need of self-respect and kind treatment from you to…well, you! That is what is meant by all that talk of “self-love” – it isn’t a “selfmance” we’re looking for…just you to treat you with respect and consideration.

From Who to What?

“Okay, great. Love is a noun and a verb. I don’t have to bubble over with affection for myself – Yay! Good news. But I still don’t exactly know what love is!”

Here’s the thing. If you listen only to how the word is used in English, you may never know. A scan of English dictionaries doesn’t even help as that yields everything from “Affection for something” to “Sexual desire.”

Yes, love has various components, such as affection, good will, warmth, and various levels of intensity.

Are you starting to see that love is complex and nuanced? We English speakers think of love as one thing, but it most assuredly is not.

Love is multi-faceted, multi-directional, and is composed and dependent on “source” and “object.”

“On what and what now?”

To start to break this down so we can get a better idea, there are a few things to know. Yes, you can have love for yourself…but love does not exist without both a source, the one feeling or doing the love, and an object, the person/place/thing (etc.) the source’s love is pointed toward.

When I love myself, I am both source and object. When I love my cat, I am the source, and my cat is the object. When your boss loves you, they are the source, and you are the object.

Get it?

There is no such thing as “source-less” or “object-less” love. Love is something that must be given and received in order to exist.

Think on that for a minute.

Source love that is rejected by its object is called unrequited love – and it is very, very painful. In everyday language, we usually refer to this as “rejection.” In a post later this month, we will learn how rejection and abandonment differ – so definitely come back for that one!

It’s All Greek to Me!

We have established that love can be meant as a noun or a verb…a feeling OR an action. We know it must be something that exists within one person (or critter) and given to another and that when it is offered and not accepted, that is very painful.

Helpful info, but we’re still dancing around what it actually is.

To tackle this problem, I am going to introduce you to some Greek.

Greek is fabulous because it has multiple words for love, each of which shows a different nuance of it. I have chosen four of these words to expound on this month, namely:

STORGE

PHILIA

EROS

AGAPE

For the rest of this month, we will dive into these words and really learn what they mean. Spoiler alert: Can you already begin to see a difference between the first three words and the last one? This difference will…well, make all the difference as we move along.

Come back next Tuesday as we learn about Storge. Until then, see if you can notice times of noun and verb love in your life. You will find that without knowing fully what the word means, you still know when you are experiencing it, so see what you discover.

Enjoy!

**Special note: The word “Agape” is probably the most familiar of these four to most readers. It has been used in religious settings, especially amongst Christians. I will explain that many people do refer to it as the “Divine love,” – however, it is not a religious word and this will be an inclusive discussion applicable to all people, regardless of religious belief or affiliation.

Written by book author, blogger, & educational/motivational speaker, Hannah Smith, MA LMHC CGP. Certified Interpersonal Neurobiologist, Group Specialist & Founder of The Village Coaching Collective Project., LLC, Hannah provides cutting-edge holistic consultation, training, and a variety of innovative personal development services. Hannah’s passion is to see people reach their potential and find lasting, positive change. Visit www.PotentialFinders.com to learn more about what Hannah can do for you. Return often for tips, events & other helpful information.

WORD of the DAY: UNRESOLVED (Attachment Style)

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

So far, the attachment styles we have discussed have been based on Organized attachment strategies employed by small children facing difficult experiences. In these cases, whether the issue is neglect/absence of a nurturing caregiver (Avoidant strategy) or an experience of hovering, anxious, and/or invasive caregivers (Ambivalent strategy), the child develops a consistent approach to coping.

When young children are met with caregivers that frighten them, the result is fear without solution. The child needs safety and therefore wants to approach the attachment figure. However, as the attachment figure themselves are the source of the fright, there is an equal and opposite pull to flee. When a child cannot flea and cannot find safety, and these situations are intense or happen enough, then the result is a Disorganized attachment strategy.

Adults who have relied on these strategies grow up to have what is called an Unresolved Attachment style.

This may be a bit unclear at first. Certainly, people with Dismissive and Preoccupied styles have unresolved issues in their lives. However, the term unresolved in this case does not refer to the issues themselves. Rather, you can think of people with Unresolved Attachment styles as not having integrated their memory in a coherent enough manner.

If the Avoidant child shuts off their attachment system and the Ambivalent one amps theirs up, the Disorganized youth swings, often wildly, back-and-forth. It can appear like a switch that flips or a wave that rises and falls. There often does not seem to be any rhyme or reason for the reactions, hence the term disorganized.

Because of this, these folks tend to have a fragmented sense of self, a “push-pull” manner of connecting to others, and/or may be highly dramatic one minute and flat or shut off the next. People in relationship with those who have Unresolved Attachment styles may report feeling high degrees of agitation, irritation, alienation, fatigue, and other relational stresses.

We want to remain very careful not to attribute the disorganized attachment strategy to abuse (a haggard mother who is being abused by her partner may be tearful and shaky and unable to adequately meet their child’s needs, but they are not abusive). Even so, research * does indicate that the brains of these children are significantly different from those with organized attachment. Although the amygdala and hippocampus show dysfunction in all non-secure attachment, for Disorganized children, the actual regions themselves may be underdeveloped.

It is important to take a breath here. Recovery will likely be long and arduous and we must honor that. Folks who walk this road are often highly creative, brave, and determined people as are those who walk with them through their healing. The good news is, there is hope for change. Rather than a life of continued misery, with proper, skilled support and treatment for all involved, the outcome can be something called Post-traumatic Growth.

In our final post for this month, brain and body techniques that lay the foundation for this valuable work will be discussed. Be sure to return on Thursday to continue this journey together.

*This is just one study. There are more.

FINDING YOUR BEACON (Brain/Body Coping for the PREOCCUPIED Attachment Style)

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

Have you heard or said any of the following repeatedly in one (or more) of your relationships:

“Why don’t you just move on already?”

“Why are you getting so worried? It’s not that big a deal!”

“I’ve told you a thousand times I love you – what do I have to do to prove it!?”

If so, then you or someone you care about may have a Preoccupied Attachment style ( See Word of the Day: Preoccupied Attachment ) .

The first thing I want to say is – this is absolutely not a character flaw! None of the attachment styles are. We can allow our past to mold our character, but having an overactive nervous system is not your fault. If your house was on fire, there are many unhelpful things you might do to get out safely and no one would blame you for that.

If you have a Preoccupied Attachment style, your nervous system spends a lot of time on fire, so to speak. Be patient with yourself and/or your loved ones.

Now to the tips for your brain and body.

Brain-based Idea

A helpful step in working toward a healthier connection with others is to learn to stay in the present moment. This can be your beacon amid the chaos of flooded brains and bodies. In Trauma Takeover , we learned that traumatized emotions could infiltrate the present moment. When this happens, it can be helpful to think of those emotions as little parts of yourself that live “back there.” These are the inner children who needed to use the ambivalent attachment strategies.

When they are triggered, they yank you from the present moment and fling you back to their time. Then, they come front-and-center to try to solve your “this minute” problem with their “back then” understanding, perspective, and skill level.

No joke. This is a very accurate way of thinking about all of this.

The work then becomes re-orienting to the present moment, for only when you are fully “here now,” can you determine where the whole of you is, what may be invading from the past, and how to wisely respond.

The first step is to recognize when you are overly activated. In the What Am I Feeling? blog, you will find a chart that includes typical sensations to note for particular emotions. You can start there. Once you are aware of that, consider developing a list of questions that will be easy to remember to help you find your beacon, your way back to the present moment. Here is an example:

Activating Event – What Just Happened?

Body Sensations – What Is My Emotion? (Use grounding techniques to come back to your body, if needed)

Consequent Urge – What Do I Want to Do?

Discerning Action – What Is Wise in This Moment?

Body-based Idea

Since we are talking about staying in the present moment, we must also talk about staying in your own body. Many people with Preoccupied Attachment spend a lot of time dissociated.

Dissociation is a brain-based defense where the person feels detached from life and/or their body. The sense of being detached from life, as if nothing is real, is called derealization. The idea that you are not in your own body (maybe looking at yourself from the outside), is known as depersonalization.

In order to find your beacon and have whatever you do in the present moment be most effective, you may benefit from grounding yourself. Grounding is a whole-brain and body activity you can do to “re-connect” to yourself. The following are a few things you can try:

Reactive Options (When you notice you are already dissociated):

1. Count backwards from 100 by 3s or 7s while breathing deeply and slowly

2. Say the alphabet backwards while breathing deeply and slowly

3. Do a quick body scan, starting with your feet. Wiggle your toes, really feel them. Then, really feel your ankles, shins, legs, hips, so on all the way to the top of your head

4. Engage in bilateral movement – hop from foot-to-foot, tap your left shoulder or leg with your right hand and your right shoulder or leg with your left hand over and over in rhythm for a few seconds, or toss a soft ball back and forth between your left and right hands.

5. For extreme dissociation – hold ice cubes or ice packs in your hands for at least 30 seconds and then put your hands on your face while breathing deeply and doing any of the above

Proactive Options (To keep from becoming dissociated):

1. Every even or odd hour throughout the day (or any other way you remember to do it), say the day, date, time, and situation to yourself

2. Develop an Intention Practice – pick an activity you do often or a place you go to several times a day (like the bathroom) and each time you do it/go there, stop, take a deep breath, and state what you just did, what you are doing, and what you are about to do.

There are many ways you can return to your own body. The above ideas are referred to as “multi-modal” grounding techniques because each of them require input from many areas of your brain. The more of your brain you use to “come back,” the better!

See you next week as we dive into our last attachment style for the month.

Week 3: Vocab: UNRESOLVED (Attachment Style)/Coping: Brain – STOP Body – TIP

WORD of the DAY: PREOCCUPIED (Attachment Style)

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

“Lorna is ‘That person.’ You know the type… ‘Stuck!’ Always talking about the same thing – how uncaring her mother is!

Ask her how she is…you get a mom story.

Make a mistake…you get a mom story.

Try to talk about your life, and…you got it. A mom story.

Whatever the topic or situation, she somehow finds a way to work the conversation back to a mom story.

I’m not sure how much more I can take. Why can’t she move on already?”

Reading those lines may be difficult. There’s no sugar coating. I want you to cringe.

Hang in there with me…keep reading.

This is a common experience for friends and family of people with a Preoccupied Attachment style. Recall the post, Come Here! Go Away! where each of the strategies children develop to respond to difficult childhood experiences were explained. Today, we are discussing the attachment style that results from growing up with caregivers who hover, respond with high anxiety, and/or impose or project their own inner worlds onto their children.

Little ones who grow up with this organized strategy enlist a Preoccupied Attachment style in adulthood. These folks tend to struggle greatly with anxiety, boundaries, decision making, and staying present to the current moment. Rather than having their attention captured by common distractions, such as media, hobbies, or work, the ten-to-fifteen percent of the US, non-clinical population with this attachment style are preoccupied with the past.

Unlike the Dismissive style, where the attachment systems are shut down, Preoccupied folks have amped up attachment responses. This means their nervous systems become overactive when emotional-relational triggers occur. If their history includes attachment figures who invaded their space (physically, mentally, or emotionally), they may react with out-of-proportion fear or anger when a current-day family member, friend, or partner challenges them. Think of it as their way of taking back the territory of themselves they have lost. If, however, their experience was more with an anxious parent, then their charged-up nervous system may signal impending doom to their brain and they may become clingy, accusatory, or need way too much assurance.

What do you think of Lorna now?

Understanding this can be the first step toward healing for the Preoccupied person and their people. When you hear your own brain label another person as bossy, controlling, or clingy, take a minute to consider it may not be you to which these behaviors are truly directed. If you read Trauma Takeover , you will see that misdirection is one of the common ways trauma shows up in present moment emotions.

If any of this resonates with you, or you suspect someone you know might have a Preoccupied attachment style, return on Thursday for some tips to start you down the road of becoming more secure.

WHAT AM I FEELING?

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

Brain/Body Coping for the DISMISSIVE Attachment Style

On Tuesday, we discussed the meaning of the Dismissive Attachment style, which results when people shut their own attachment system down early in childhood. It is not a conscious process. Sadly, these folks often get a bad rap, labeled uncaring, unfeeling, and/or aloof.

The truth is, as explained in the blog article, Come Here! Go Away! the biological attachment system includes the amygdala and the hippocampus – which work together to form emotional memory. Emotional memory tagging is one of the strongest and most complete ways to retrieve memories. Think about what you were doing at 2:14 pm three Tuesdays ago. You may remember being at work or driving home, but you likely won’t remember what you were thinking, wearing, or many other details.

However, if asked to remember a specific, meaningful time on your sixteenth birthday, wedding day, or the morning of September 11, 2001, you will likely be flooded with ample images and sensations to create a detailed recollection indeed.

Growing up with this system shut down means we not only do we have poor recall, possibly fail to connect to our attachment figures, but it may also mean we may lose sensitivity with our own bodies and emotions. Attempting to restart this system can be painful, frightening, and downright overwhelming at first as the brain and body are bombarded by unfamiliar emotion-based sensory and cognitive input.

Think about what happens to your eyes when you go from a very dark to a very bright place. Trying to keep your eyes wide open in that transition may damage your eyes. Caution and protection are needed along the way.

One of the first steps in this process is to notice and name your emotions without allowing them to flood you. Let’s look at the brain and body in turn and find some first steps to take.

Brain-based Ideas

Besides poor memory formation & recall, another side effect of growing up with low emotional responsivity is the inability to name emotions. Recognizing and naming a wide array of emotions is known as emotional granularity .

If you only know yourself as happy, sad, mad, or even simply flat emotionally, then you have low emotional granularity. If, however, you can refer to being delighted, awe-inspired, grateful, uptight, irked, outraged, morose, melancholy, or despairing, then you have high emotional granularity and will also likely have more of an idea of what is happening and how to support yourself through it.

As Dismissive folks have learned to disengage from their somatic (“of the body”) sensory input, they may ignore or no longer perceive various sensations and therefore are not able to properly label what is happening. This leaves most people feeling out-of-control, angry or numb, and/or fearful of others.

Therefore, one of the steps toward healing is to learn the names of emotional sensations you feel. As you may not actually notice or be able to accurately place your body sensations, you may have to rely on other data to figure out what emotions are below the surface. Take a look at the following chart. It lists not only the names of various emotions, but provides typical body sensations specific to the emotion, body language (internal and external), and some prompting events you can go looking for to cause them so you can familiarize yourself.

The important thing to note here is that you do NOT need to register the sensation of an emotion to note its presence! Thoughts, body language, and prompting events can all give you valuable information about your emotional state. For example, if you feel numb, but you just had someone cut you off in traffic, or your thoughts are focused on injustice, or your jaw is clenching, you can rightfully and honestly say you are angry! Try it – see what happens!

Everyone is unique. A great challenge would be for you to create a chart like this of your own. Also, be aware of the physical pain that can come from this process. Go very slow. Consider working with an attachment and/or trauma-informed, somatic or emotion-focused therapist who can help you regulate as you go.* In the meantime, consider some of the following tools to help you.

Body-based Ideas

As mentioned, the journey to re-igniting your emotions can be somewhat painful.

And yes…it is real pain. The brain reacts to overstimulation of emotion the same way it would react to a pulled muscle, headache, or any other physical pain. You are not weak, flawed, or silly because you register pain when sensing emotions.

Here are a few ideas that can help you increase your tolerance of new and strong emotions.

➔ Stay Mindfu l. Choose times to do practice when you can devote the attention you need to staying present with the emotions so you can regulate them as needed.

➔ Set Timers . Whenever engaging in high-emotive work or situations, try setting timers that will help alert you to check-in and, if necessary, take a break

➔ Tell a Friend . If you know you are going to work on building your tolerance of emotions, incorporate a trusted, non-judgmental friend who can be around to help if you feel overwhelmed. They may sit in the other room or walk with you and just listen. Maybe you can do some exercise together.

➔ Expend Your Extra Energy Wisely . When heat, energy, muscle tension, or other strong sensations are present, you may want to act out in unhelpful ways. Consider jogging a short distance, jumping rope, stomping, throwing rocks in a ditch or pond, or some other constructive or neutral way of eliminating excess energy.

➔ Start Small & Graduate Slowly over Time . When you notice an intense emotion, try to stay with it for just a few seconds to start, then do whatever healthy coping you can to either reduce it or distract away from it. Over time, add a few seconds, then minutes. Notice your ability to stay longer and longer with the sensations

➔ Expect Extra . This journey could leave you extra tired, extra hungry, or extra irritable. This is normal. Be sure to keep regular check-ups and connect with a professional if you have any concerns.

*Reach out to www.PsychologyToday.com, your insurance company, or your local department of health for referrals for therapists in your area.

*Reach out to www.PsychologyToday.com , your insurance company, or your local department of health for referrals for therapists in your area.

WORD of the DAY: Dismissive

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

“I don’t need anyone. I can manage on my own.”

We have all heard someone say something like this. There are lots of possible reasons for such an utterance. Perhaps a bit of “do-it-myself” pride or a wish not to burden another person. However, for twenty percent of the population of the United States, these words convey a deep, core, felt sense that the person truly is “on their own” in life.

As mentioned in the main blog for this month, Come Here! Go Away! humans are born with the ability to attach in a biological, emotional, and psychological way with their caregivers and other important attachment figures. In fact, children are born with this system hard-wired and an innate expectation of care.

Whenever care is not provided for the occasional need (up to half the time may actually be alright), the caregiver’s attempt at making repairs can set things right again. This may take the form of extra cuddles, soothing cooing, cutsy talk, addressing any comfort and hunger needs, and the like.

However, when the frequency or intensity of neglect of these needs reaches too high a point or lasts for too long a time (will vary for each person) many children will “go internal,” and shut their own attachment systems down. This is known as an “avoidant attachment strategy.” It is not a conscious choice, but a non-conscious defense strategy.

Children who develop this way of coping early in life grow up to use Dismissive Attachment Styles.

Dismissive adults are, well…dismissive. They often refute any idea that they need help or connection of any kind. Other common features are a lack of ability to remember key events or even whole chunks of their own life. This makes sense because as we will see, emotions are important for memory recall. As part of the defense, when asked, many Dismissive folks will say their childhood was “just fine.” Since they are their own caregivers and they have little memory, they can take this to mean nothing bad has ever happened.

They also may stand back and not engage much with others. They may still seek certain types of relationships but not necessarily for their connection value. Therefore, they often struggle to relate in a healthy manner. Those who try to have relationships with Dismissive folks often complain of loneliness, confusion, and frustration.

There is hope! As we also learned, secure attachment can be earned . The process is slow and intentional, but worth the effort. If this description of Dismissive attachment resonates with you or someone you know, come back on Thursday when we will discuss an important area of focus for those who want to start the journey toward secure attachment.

I WANT YOU! GO AWAY! COME BACK!

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

Attachment research gets big press these days. Oodles of books, blogs, podcasts, and talk in general revolve around this well-researched, robust field of human study.

You may have some notions of how it all works, but just to be on the safe side, you can consider this post a mini-primer on the topic. In this article, we will look at how attachment develops and then spend the rest of the month looking at how to manage attachment issues as adults.

First, a bit of needed background.

Strategy or Style?

Popular media being what it is, sometimes misinformation gets out there. Let’s clear at least some of that up here.

When attachment is discussed in popular media, it is often referred to in terms of styles. However, there is a distinction between what develops in childhood and how we are affected as adults.

Attachment, as a core way of connecting to other human beings through the lifespan, is a developmental science discovered and developed by John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, and Mary Main. What their research demonstrated is how children adapt to a variety of early life experiences. We will think of those adaptations as strategies that may follow us throughout their life.

In contrast, attachment styles will refer to ways we relate to others as adults. This is a different set of research and terms.

This article will focus on strategies while the subsequent blogs for the rest of the month will focus on styles.

What a Strange Situation!

In case you have ever wondered where the idea of the various attachment strategies/styles came from, one of the major contributors to the theory was the results of a research study that has now been reproduced tens of thousands of times all over the world: The Infant Strange Situation Study.

In short, a parent/caregiver and their child, who have participated in extensive history interviews, are invited to a “Strange Situation.” This usually consists of a room with a one-way mirror with a table, chairs, toys, and a researcher, which is someone the child does not know before arrival.

For the child, this is a strange situation indeed!

Upon arrival, the parent accompanies the child into the new environment. After a few minutes, the parent leaves, then the stranger leaves, and the child is left alone in the room for a short time. After observing thousands of children in this study, the researchers noticed some interesting patterns that arose when the caregiver returned after leaving the child alone. These patterns appear to be highly durable, provide strong predictive value, and form the basis of the attachment strategies we will learn about shortly.

Initially, three distinctive patterns emerged during the study: Secure, Avoidant, and Ambivalent (Or “Anxious” ) Attachment. Later, a fourth pattern was noticed and called Disorganized . Researchers now categorize the first three as Organized attachment.

There is a “fifth” attachment category, as well…but I’ll let that stay a mystery for now – but here’s a bit of a spoiler: It’s really good news!

Who’s My Mommy?

When we hear the term Attachment Figure, we often assume we are talking about someone’s mother. Nope. Not necessarily.

Also, not every person we have contact with is an attachment figure.

So, what does the term mean?

Attachment Figures generally have three main elements: 1). The relationship is long-term 2). There is a seeking of closeness (can be one-way or bi-directional) and 3). There is an increase in a sense of security when in the presence of this person. Examples may be parents, siblings, very close friends, and long-term romantic partners. For some, mentors and teachers can be attachment figures as well. Not all mentors. Not all teachers. Not all friends. Not all family members. Not all people.

Sometimes, one or more of the three factors listed above hold true while the others do not, hence the different strategies to cope.

The caregiver we spend the most time with as a child is often referred to as the primary attachment figure . Also, we can have different strategies with different attachment figures throughout our lives – because…pay attention to this…the strategy we choose is based on the style of the attachment figure!

“What? My Attachment Is Not about Me?”

It can be helpful to know one more pattern that emerged from the research. A given child’s attachment strategy can be predicted with amazing accuracy by learning about their parent/caregiver’s upbringing. This is important for two reasons (maybe more, but for this discussion, these two are enough).

First, the strength of this predictive ability can become a prevention tool of sorts. In her work with attachment, Mary Main and her associates created something called the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI). This extensive questionnaire can be a helpful tool for people working both with a particular individual and their attachment and with their children (Please note: special training is required to use this tool correctly).

Secondly, attachment is explained in terms of being secure or insecure. It is tempting to assume that insecure attachment comes from childhood abuse – but this is most definitely not a given. Many factors, not the least of which is the attachment figure’s upbringing, can contribute to a given person’s attachment and we do well to proceed slowly and non-judgmentally when taking client histories.

The Attachment System

If you know me at all, you know you’re bound to get a little brain action in my blogs! Here it is.

Throughout the rest of the article and the month, we will be talking about a person’s Attachment System . This refers to several areas of the brain and body and it is important to note that this system will engage differently depending on a person’s particular attachment strategy. In brief:

Sensory System : We first take in our surroundings via our five senses. We see, hear, smell, feel, and at times, taste our (primary) attachment figure
Limbic System : For this discussion, we will highlight the amygdala, the hypothalamus, pituitary gland, and the adrenal gland. In short, this system is responsible for engaging the Defense Network , which results in the fight or flight sensations that occur when a person, through their sensory system, perceives danger.
Polyvagal System : Again, for this discussion, we will refer to the Vagus Nerve (Or Tenth Cranial Nerve) that goes from our brain down into our lower abdomen and is responsible for enacting what is called the social engagement network . Including body language, proximity, and other relational features, this system contributes to our desire to move toward rather than away from someone.
Prefrontal Cortex : This is the part of our brain that has some conscious awareness, helps with decision-making and learning, and other higher executive functions. This is the part of the system that helps us remember how we feel about our attachment figures. Because it is connected to other parts of our brain, a lot of what goes on here is non-conscious and implicit. This is important to remember.

Alright! It’s finally time to get on to the nitty gritty. Let’s learn about each of the FIVE (yes, five) foundational attachment strategies.

Secure/Organized Attachment: “I Want You” (vs I NEED/CLING to You for Survival)

Let’s start by laying a secure foundation (pun intended).

I know. I can’t help it.

As infants, certain experiences are necessary for human beings to develop security. These have been coined the “Four S’s1” by Dr. Daniel J. Siegel in his book The Developing Mind (3rd Edition; 2020; Guilford Press). We must feel safe, seen, and soothed to be secure.

In practice, when our caregivers make concerted efforts to be attentive, see us for who we are, showing respect and support for our uniqueness and variable states of being, and when they provide comfort and meet our needs on a regular basis, these 4-S criteria are met. Notice I said concerted and not consistent. Consistency is a noble aim, but it is a big ask and something no parent can…well, consistently provide. This inability is accommodated by working to repair any breaches.

Unsurprisingly, secure attachment is the preferred attachment strategy and accounts for somewhere around 60 percent of the population in the United States.

To keep this post to a reasonable length and help the reader compare elements of attachment quickly, each of the styles will focus on a few descriptive points, as follows.

Key Attachment Feature : The Secure attachment figure is a Safe Harbor and a Launching Pad. Child feels safe, seen, and soothed as needed (Safe Harbor) and because of this, they are free to leave their attachment figure and explore the world (Launching Pad).
Infant Strange : The child may become upset during the caregiver’s absence and will seek them out upon their return. Once soothed, they will return to exploration and play.
Attachment system : Overall stable and active; Open
Typical Presentation : A child (and then adult) in a secure attached relationship enjoys seeking out their attachment figure to connect, share joys & sorrows, and have fun. They will want to spend time together, but if and when that is not possible, they are not diminished and remain confident and stable on their own.

Insecure/Organized - Avoidant Attachment: “Go Away!”

This attachment strategy accounts for approximately 20 percent of the population in the US currently.

Key Attachment Feature : Caregiver is perceived by the child to be largely unavailable to meet their needs. Child is not seen at all, soothed, nor emotionally safe.
Infant Strange : When the parent leaves the room, the child may not react and, upon caregiver’s return, may make no visible moves to reconnect.
Attachment system : Shut down/Inactive/Rigid
Typical Presentation : The individual with this developed strategy often avoids creating deep connections with others and will often have the conscious belief they don’t need other people and/or can take care of their own needs. Non-consciously, however, they still desire rich relationships (as evidenced by newer research methods that monitor skin and heart responses).

Insecure Organized - Ambivalent/Anxious Attachment: “Come Back!”

This attachment strategy accounts for approximately 10 - 15 percent of the population currently.

Key Attachment Feature : In this case, there are two possible key features. Caregivers may be highly anxious themselves. Child feels this and their own nervous system is activated. At other times, the parent may override or overwhelm the child’s inner world by imposing their own emotional state onto the child (such as assuming the child is lonely and picking them up too often). The child is not seen as an individual with their own mind and needs, is not soothed but activated, and is not emotionally safe.
Infant Strange : These children become highly distressed when the caregiver leaves and will cling and, at times, be rather dramatic when they return.
Attachment system : Excessively Engaged/Overactive/Chaotic
Typical Presentation : Children with this strategy will be highly anxious, especially when separated from their primary attachment figure. They will often struggle with others, commonly labeled bossy or controlling.

Insecure/Disorganized Attachment: “Go Away!!/Come Back!!”

This attachment strategy accounts for approximately 5-10 percent of the US population currently.

Key Attachment Feature : Child is terrified by the caregiver resulting in an unsolvable dilemma. The only one to whom a child can turn in distress is the cause of it. Child is not seen as their own separate individual with needs, not soothed, and not emotionally nor, at times, physically safe.
Infant Strange : Child may or may not show distress when the caregiver leaves, but upon their return will have highly disorganized and/or bizarre reactions, such as multiple false-start movements toward/away from caregiver, screaming, running in circles, banging their heads, grabbing at their own skin and hair, etc.
Attachment system : Vacillates between hypervigilant/overactive and shut down.
Typical Presentation : People who develop this strategy will work hard to gain relationships with a variety of coy-to-charismatic and/or manipulative behaviors only to push away or act aggressively toward anyone who “gets too close.” This is often referred to as a “Push-pull” or “Come Here/Go Away” relationship dynamic.

The “Fifth” Strategy - Earned Secure Attachment

I hope seeing these in such a stark contrast gives you some clues into how the various strategies develop and present. I want also to make something loud and clear again: Insecure attachment styles need not develop from abuse. Though this is often the case, they can also occur with extended separation from important caregivers, accidents beyond the parent’s control, or other situations. A thorough history unfolding over time as the client becomes safe is warranted before drawing any conclusions.

All the strategies mentioned above are a result of an individual’s upbringing from birth (or pre-birth) throughout childhood. There is a so-called “Fifth attachment category” of earned secure attachment that is not the result of childhood experiences. This is a direct method of creating attachment and usually involves a high (or at least higher) degree of intentionality and awareness and is usually facilitated by a therapist. This is the goal of much of the work of an attachment specialist and involves identifying and addressing faulty core beliefs, creating healthy support systems, and learning how to calm the central nervous system manually.

People with this attachment strategy, for all intents and purposes, function like those with organized secure attachment from birth.

The Power of NOW!

Do you see yourself in one or more of the above descriptions? Are you different with different people? Don’t be surprised. That is how it works.

I hope you are encouraged by the idea that you can achieve earned secure attachment. It’s going to be hard work – but it is truly worthy work.

Spend some time pondering this information and then come back next Tuesday for our first Word of the Day blog of the month and continue to build a foundation of security, joy, and abundance in your life.

Written by book author , blogger, & educational/motivational speaker, Hannah Smith, MA LMHC CGP. Certified Interpersonal Neurobiologist, Group Specialist & Founder of The Village Coaching Collective Project., LLC, Hannah provides cutting-edge holistic consultation, training, and a variety of innovative personal development services. Hannah’s passion is to see people reach their potential and find lasting, positive change. Visit www.PotentialFinders.com to learn more about what Hannah can do for you. Return often for tips, events & other helpful information.

REFERENCES

1Siegel, Daniel J. (2020). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. The Guilford Press, New York

Brain & Body Skills

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

“Why are you yelling at me? I am not the one who told you not to go. It is not my fault!”

You have heard something like this before. Sometimes, it is a dodge. Someone is trying to sneak out of a responsibility with slight-of-hand. Other times, though, they doth not protest too much! In those cases, you just might be aiming your fiery emotions at the wrong source. Today, we will discuss a couple ideas to address this.

Brain-based Idea

Hopefully, you are starting to get the idea now that the brain works a lot like a huge filing system. All you need is a key word to pull a lot of the files out – and they’re magic files. Sometimes they just pop out of the cabinet on their own via something called triggers, discussed in Tuesdays, Word of the Day.

We have established that triggers are fast and a lot of traumatized emotions are associated with something connected to the emotion but not necessarily present in the current moment. We talked about Little Sammy and the dog. The dog did nothing wrong, but now dogs are an object of fear for him.

Because these triggers are so fast and our thinky brain does not always trace them to their original source, we can misdirect our emotions toward the wrong source. Like moving away from a dog that is not a threat. We often do not even know why we do such things.

If we do not know, then how can we make changes?

One way is with something I will call corrective reattribution. Corrective reattribution refers to the process of accurately assigning responsibility based on the present moment. Here is how it works.

Aisha’s job is to compile a nightly report for her boss. This requires her to receive information from several people in her team. Most days, the people forget. She must run around the building to find people to get the information she needs. This makes her feel disrespected and frustrated.

Her irritation makes sense. However, she has found that she takes her angst out on her kids each night once she gets home. She comes into therapy for help.

In the process of discussing the issue, Aisha reveals that her last job was rather traumatic. Her boss was a micromanager that got on her case for “every last thing,” and eventually fired her for productivity issues that she is absolutely certain she did not have. The trauma of that experience is showing up at her present job.

In order to help her work this out, the therapist asks a series of questions, such as:

What bothersome emotion are you feeling? When does it come up most often at work/home (wherever the situation is taking place)?

Do/Does the triggering experience(s) remind you of anything from your past? If so, tell me about it. Who were the players? What was the issue? How does it relate to the current issue?

Think about the current issue . What are your fears? Do these fears relate to present-day issues/people or past ones?

In the present moment , who is actually responsible for what? Are your fears warranted in the present moment? If so, based on what evidence?

After asking some questions to build a full picture, Aisha realizes where her fears are coming from. She sees that she is harboring past fears that have been triggered in her present moment and that the real culprit (or responsible party) is someone from her past that resembles someone from her future. Having not realized it before, her upset has to go somewhere, so it is directed toward her children. Once she realized where the responsibility truly lies, she is freed from past associations and feels strong enough to confront her team about their lapses in reporting to her.

You may ask different questions, but the goal is to recognize when old experiences are dictating current emotional reactions that are being pointed at the wrong person or place and to figure out the truth.

Body-based Idea

A primary reason for misdirection of traumatized emotions is fear. Fear of showing your sadness, anger or fear to a particular person or in a given setting. Before you can rightly attribute the responsibility, you have to deal with the fear.

Fear of any kind sets off something we therapist-types call the Defense Network (DN) in your brain. This comprises the limbic system and, at times, the frontal lobe, basal ganglia, and cerebellum. Don’t worry about the science-y words. The important thing to know is that if your brain is triggered into fear, the DN will engage. It’s not a character flaw of failure on your part. It is completely outside your ability to manage – until you become aware.

Here are some steps to help your body during moments of fear:

Ascertain the intensity of the fear. In the intensity-related Brain-based idea, we learned about scaling. Do that any time you notice fear.
If the level of fear is warranted, get yourself to safety.
If the level of fear is not warranted, try one of these activities before deciding what to do next

o Sit down, close your eyes (or, if you can’t do that, look down at the floor), and count 25-30 slow, deep breaths

o Find some ice or something very cold. Hold it in your hands until you can’t stand it anymore then drop it and put your hands on your face for 30-60 seconds

o Do some intense exercise for 90 seconds – 5 minutes (such as jumping jacks, running, push-ups, or other aerobic movement*)

The point of these activities are to reduce the chemical wash of fear. It will either dissipate or transform into pure energy with these exercises. Once you are calm and able to think, then assess the present moment and proceed accordingly.

If you wonder if you are truly in a place to think clearly, try saying the alphabet backwards or counting one hundred to zero by sevens. If you can do these for even a few seconds, you are likely back in your thinking mind.

You now have some idea about how emotions that were hurt in the past show up nowadays. Come back next month as we explore the idea of Attachment and how that might affect our trauma, relationships, and self-perception.

In the meantime – take care of you!

*Be sure to be cleared by medical professionals before attempting any exercise suggested here

WORD of the DAY: Direction

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

Admittedly, this is an odd one.

With respect to the words related to infiltrating trauma, this one is the most obscure. We can probably wrap our heads around the idea of trauma showing up in intensity, frequency, and duration – but direction? What is that all about? I will illustrate with a story.

Little Sammy is six years old. He is outside, down the street, playing with a dog. He has lost track of time. Unbeknownst to him, his mother is looking for him. When she finds him she stealthily walks up behind him and hits upside the back side of the head and yells, “You should have been home an hour ago!!!”

From that day forward, Little Sammy is afraid of dogs.

“Wait, what? But it was his mom who hit him!”

Yes, yes it was. However, it is not safe for this little guy to be afraid of his mother. She is his provider and protector. He must believe her to be good and kind. Therefore, trauma in this case shows up in the direction, or rather misdirection, of the intense fear he felt in that moment.

You see, as mentioned in last week’s Brain & Body Skills post, the amygdala and hippocampus – the alarm system and memory storage region, respectively, do not reside in the thinky place (i.e. the neocortex). This part of the brain is extremely fast, taking approximately thirteen milliseconds to engage. It also works fairly exclusively on associations. This makes sense when you understand this to be the part of the brain tasked with keeping you safe. You want your alarm system to act fast, right?

So, rather than taking in all the details and trying to figure out where they belong, the amygdala tags things in our surrounding and sends a list of those things to a place more central in the brain, called the thalamus . This can be thought of as “Grand Central Station,” as it is where all information comes in and is processed and then assigned. Is it a threat? If yes, then it is sent straight to the amygdala – do not pass the PFC (prefrontal cortex), do not collect $200.00! Not a threat? Unsure? Let’s be safe and send the info to the frontal lobe for analysis first. A much slower process.

In Little Sammy’s case, the dog was tagged in his memory so that in the future, when he comes in contact with dogs, he will stay away, lest he enjoy them again and get another slap.

The moral of the story is this…not everything you’re afraid of is actually scary. Not everyone you shout at is the actual source of your anger. Not every loss can be attributed to one thing. Sometimes, traumatized emotions will be focused in the wrong direction.

Never fear, Mon Cherie! You are not destined to clobber the wrong people for the rest of your life! Come back on Thursday and gain ideas of what you can do about this.

Brain & Body Skills

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

This week, we have been talking about the emotional infiltrator of FREQUENCY. Sometimes, when your emotions are being amplified or dulled by past trauma, you know it because the emotion shows up too often or not often enough.

We will look at a thinky method and a feely method for dealing with this.

Brain-based Idea

One of the big problems with the frequency of traumatized emotions is that they show up when we want to sleep. Sleep is a very important aspect of our health, but if we find ourselves lying in bed at night worrying about the future (“Future tripping”) or listing all our past regrets, the hours tick by and sleep eludes us.

One way to deal with this is to…drum roll…SCHEDULE your WORRY TIME!

Yes, you read that right!

“Umm…schedule my worry time? What does that mean?”

Great question.

When the distractions and stresses of the day dissipate and we are left alone with our thoughts at night, that is a prime time for ruminations to come to the forefront! It can be very difficult to shut them off because this is often our brain’s way of keeping problems before us so we’ll not forget to solve them. That is why they are so obnoxious!

However, if you develop a method that helps you remember and address your problems, the brain will start to let up on screaming them at you. Enter “Scheduling your worry time.” Here is how it works (feel free to adjust as makes sense for you):

Before bed each night, look at your schedule for the next day and determine what time you can worry and for how long. 30-minutes max is usually a good number to start. If you need more than that, be sure to build in breaks.

Keep a large notepad on your bedside table and a smaller one within reach all throughout the day. Whenever a worry or regret comes into your brain and you determine it’s a keeper (in other words, something you actually need to think about/plan for), write it on the tablet and then go back to whatever it was you were doing…working, playing, resting, or sleeping.

When your “worry time” arrives each day, pull out the notepads. Develop a shorthand that helps you keep track of what you have finished worrying about, still need to worry about, and what can come off the list.

In the beginning, you won’t notice much reduction in your nighttime chatter. However, as you build trust with yourself in this process, the noise will die down. Give a try for at least twenty days in a row before judging its effectiveness (if you skip a day, the twenty days starts over). For those of you who don’t seem to have any worries or emotions (but you think you should), this method will force you to sit daily and look at your life. Where ought there be some emotion? If you struggle, talk to someone else who knows you and ask them what emotions they think you would have at various times to get an idea to start.

Body-based Idea

What is your “go-to,” problematic emotion these days? Sadness? Anger? Fear? Something related? Since emotions are in the body, the first thing we want to do to regulate them is identify them. Try taking a peek at an emotion wheel to find some words to consider. Which ones resonate with how you are feeling right now?

Once you have a name for the particular bothersome emotion popping up too often, for no apparent reason, or not often enough, then you can learn how to “Turn pokes into cues!”

This means, instead of taking your emotion to be a signal to do, say, or think something specific, or stuff it and have it come out somewhere else in your body, you can actually learn to use it as a cue to choose something else. Let’s look at an example.

Shaylen feels sad quite often lately. She has realized that being neurodivergent has gotten in her way more often than she has previously thought. After recently being sued for a bill she wanted to pay but because of some misunderstandings she didn’t pay, she has been feeling down. Since the court case, she has stopped calling her friends, nearly ghosted her boyfriend, and is contemplating dropping out of school at the end of the quarter.

Now…Sadness at a revelation of loss is an absolutely appropriate and healthy emotional reaction. It is fine to have a day or three of depression – that is, after all, part of grief.

However, if the frequency of strong emotion hinders your ability to live in well-being over time, it is alright to address it and to change course a bit.

In other words, modulating and regulating emotions is not the same thing as stuffing them.

When life issues hit us and strong emotions take over, we are often not even aware of it. This is the value of “Turning the poke into a cue.” Let’s see how we might use this skill.

Take a personal inventory of your emotions. What are you feeling? What is your go-to “problem” emotion? How often have you noticed it recently? An appropriate amount? Too much? Too little?
Once you identify your problem emotion, sit for a while and notice all the sensations, thought processes, and action urges that tend to accompany it. Write a list using adjectives, art, music, or other ways to fully identify the feeling.
Practice noticing the emotion all throughout the day. Consider setting an alarm and checking in to see if it has been or is there.
When you notice it, instead of automatically acting on it, ask yourself, “What does this emotion want me to know/say/do/think? ” If the answer is something helpful and in line with your current moment, then go for it. If not, then use that sensation as a cue to do something you chose rather than a poke to do something your brain or body wants.

Let’s see how Shaylen does this.

The alarm goes off. It is a new morning. Shaylen awakens with fog in her brain and what feels like a thirty-pound weighted blanket on her chest. She does not want to move. Noticing the sensations in her body, Shaylen picks up a “Truth Focus” prompt card (Something she made for herself) on her bedside table. The card says, “Feelings are not facts. You can choose what you do. You are a gift.” She reads the card and listens to a favorite song for a few minutes, focusing away from the “stay in bed” thoughts conjured by the emotions. Taking a deep breath and feeling a bit more upbeat, she gets up and starts her day.

Give this a try and keep returning for more ideas.

WORD of the DAY: Frequency

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

Many of us knows how it feels…the brief reprieve we get when overwhelming emotions dissipate for a while. We can breathe, get some things done, and even, at times, start to believe things are “getting better.”

Then…

You know, don’t you? The up-and-down, back-and-forth life of recovery. The “I can’t take another minute of it!” before the break in the tide, only to be followed by the cold or warm wash of whatever hits us next.

Frequency.

When we have had significant and/or prolonged trauma, the part of the brain responsible for keeping us safe and alive “tags” our internal and external environment with warning signs. Envision the amygdala as Auntie Suzy who is losing her eyesight and has gone around the house slapping bright, colorful sticky notes on everything so she can find it or not trip over it. She may not know what “it” is anymore, but she won’t break her hip over it!! This is how our brain works. Sights, sounds, textures, smells, tastes, thought patterns – literally anything in our (internal or external) environment can be tagged.

This tagging is what leads to a “trigger.” The brain must act fast in danger, so this tagging/trigger system is the mechanism by which it stays quick.

The problem is, not everything tagged is an actual threat in the PRESENT moment.

It is completely normal at times during recovery to be hit hard and often with various emotions. It is equally common to have frequent patches of apathy or numbness. You are not weak, wrong, or bad because of it.

Come back on Thursday and we will talk about ways you can manage frequency so that it doesn’t knock you for as much of a loop as it sometimes can. In the meantime, allow these pestering emotions to cue you to be kind to yourself.

BRAIN & BODY SKILLS

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

We all know what it is like…

You had that argument with your roommate, that unexpected bill popped up in the mail, or you under react to really good news. At one time or another, we all encounter emotions that last too long or not long enough.

For some of us, this is a regular occurrence, interfering with confidence, decision making, relationships, and sleep. Our future-tripping, meaning-making brains often don’t really trust us to take care of things – or, we can find ourselves overwhelmed and “shut off” to emotion.

When it comes to out-of-whack, lingering emotions, there are a couple things you can try to soothe your brain and your body.

Brain-based Idea

Imagine with me the perfect setting – cool house, warm, fluffy blankets, a pillow fit to carry you into dreamland. The day has been long and hectic and the idea of sleep is more than alluring.

And then it starts…

The noise in your head. The endless worries that keep your poor body activated and chase away sleep. Maybe you can pinpoint what started it, but whatever the main catalyst was, it seems to have broken into a thousand pieces and each one of them are barking at you! Enough is enough! What’s a sleepy soul to do?

Don’t laugh…

“Schedule your worry time!”

You read that right. Yes. Schedule your worry time!

“How on earth does that work?”

Okay, go back to the bedroom and the cozy blanky. Before you turn off the lights and close your baby blues/greens/browns/whatever, put a good-sized notepad on your bedside table along with a dark felt-tip pen. Then, considering what’s on your agenda for the next day, determine a time you can spend some time mindfully worrying (otherwise known as planning) the next day. Write that time down on the top of your notepad.

Then, as you attempt to drift off, if any thoughts pop into your mind, identify them by category:

Brain Babble. Thoughts that are just noise in the head, echoes of earlier thoughts or situations that really do not matter, such as “Those pink dishes at Ginger’s house were the bomb,” and the like.

Distraction. These are not usually thoughts. These are environmental or internal noises or sensations that rob you of the ability to relax.

Problem. These are thoughts about issues that will take a few steps to address

Reminder. Thoughts that don’t want you to forget an important appointment, date, or task

You may discover more categories than these, but this will get you started. Here are some ideas to deal with each.

Brain Babble: Practice letting it go with a “Breath Prayer” – this means to pair your breath with a set of words that have nothing to do with the babble…such as “(Breathe in) I’ll be the change/(Breathe out) I want to see in the world.” Or “(Breathe in) Wisdom/(Breathe out) Peace.” It does not have to be a prayer in the religious sense of the word.

Distraction: Consider using ambient noise therapy, such as white noise or raindrops to block out intermittent noises. Then, try the breath prayer for everything else.

Problem: First, ask yourself, “Is this something ‘I’ can solve?” If the answer is no, use the breath prayer. If the answer is yes, ask yourself, “Is now the right time to solve it?” If the answer is yes, then get up & solve it. If the answer is no (and it usually will be), then write the problem down on your notepad and then use the breath prayer.

Reminder: Using a scale to determine importance or likelihood to actually forget, rank the reminder. If it’s unimportant – you guessed it, breath prayer. If it is important, write it down on your notepad and then go to breath prayer.

It will take practice and you must develop a habit of actually working on your problems/reminders the next day. Over time, though, this technique will greatly reduce your brain’s need to pester you. Give it a try.

Body-based Idea

The culprit we are dealing with here are lingering or absent emotions, which as we’ve already learned (see previous editions), emotions are in the body. Therefore, we also need to do something for the body when dealing with them.

One contributor to lingering emotions is our lack of awareness. We will talk more about this next week, but to get your motors going in that direction, let’s talk about something called the “Breath Sabbath.”

Now…before I continue…first we had the “Breath Prayer” and now we have the “Breath Sabbath” – these ideas do have some connection to contemplative religion, but they are spiritual in nature and not religious unless that is something you choose. Feel free to call them anything you like and use any combination of words you want.

The Breath Sabbath is not the same thing as the Breath Prayer, but there is some similarity. The way it works is to proactively choose something you do multiple times a day, such as a door you frequently go through, eating, sitting down, or some other activity you can count on doing at least a few times a day.

Each time you do that activity, pair it with one-to-three deep, cleansing breaths and a centering thought. Centering thoughts refer to those thoughts that bring us back to a place of rest and focus. Ideas for centering thoughts are:

“I am capable of doing my daily tasks.”

“I am loved and my life matters.”

“Asking for help is a sign of strength”

“Let go. Let go. Let go!”

Think about your current situation and pick a thought that you can say during these times.

“What does this have to do with the duration of emotion,” you cleverly ask?

As I mentioned, awareness is key when it comes to dealing with our emotions. If you develop the habit of the Breath Sabbath, you’ll have a natural few times each day that you can reset and relax. With some practice, you’ll either be able to charge up or calm down your nervous system with this little practice all throughout the day. Never underestimate the power of a consistent practice, no matter the duration!

See you next week! Remember to breathe!

WORD of the DAY: Duration

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

“This is NEVER going to end!!”

“Will I EVER feel happy again?”

In recovery, it is common to feel as if “horrible feelings” either last too long or feelings we want to have don’t last long enough or show up at all. This is problematic for a couple of reasons.

First of all, our brains attach meaning to all the sensations that flow through our body. Parts of our brain actually scan our bodies and environment constantly to ensure we are safe, have what we need, and are in good social standing with others. When an uncomfortable sensation lasts a long time or when an emotion we expect is absent, the meaning we might attribute to it could make matters worse.

A few weeks ago, I sent a text to someone that was misunderstood. They replied with some anger. The second I read their reply text, my anxiety juices began to flow and my guilt-o-meter started ringing loudly. Even though the situation was dealt with and everyone walked away happy, the sensation of guilt lingered for a few hours after. Later in the same night, my husband didn’t answer me when I said something to him and I heard my brain say, “He doesn’t really care about you.” Knowing that to be untrue, I realized rather quickly the lingering guilt from the earlier text was infiltrating the present moment. When I realized that, the feeling finally dissipated.

Secondly, emotions that last too long can wear us out. Once the defense network is engaged, strong neurotransmitters and hormones, such as norepinephrine and cortisol begin to coarse through our bodies. This is great for fight or flight, but not so wonderful when they last for hours and interfere with chilling out in the evening – and it’s a real problem for sleep.

Finally, what about when emotions do not show up at all? When this is the case, we also apply meaning to that. Usually, we are none too kind to ourselves in the choosing of the meaning, as well. For example, when someone dies, and you don’t cry or when you win a prize at work but do not feel excited about it. The truth is, there are many factors that contribute to whether or not our emotions show up and how long they last. In our Thursday edition, we will talk about a method you can use when emotions linger for too long. Look forward to seeing you back here then!

Brain & Body Skills: Trauma Takeover

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

“Wow, Jim! Aren’t you blowing things a bit out of proportion?”

“Dang, Zarah, don’t you even care?”

How many times have you heard something like the statements above? Why are these utterances, well, uttered?

We are looking at trauma responses this month and today we are talking about managing the intensity of our emotional reactions to see if they fit the present moment situation. We will look at both thinking-based and body-based reactions and discuss some ideas for noticing and dealing with them.

Thinking-based Idea

Let’s start with a cognitive concept called scaling. Scaling is when we create a standardized system to which we compare a current state so as to know how intense it is. For example, a “One-to-ten” scale, where one is least intensity and ten is highest intensity. Or perhaps it could be a color scale. Green is good, yellow is “watch out,” and red is “Whoa doggy! Stop the show!” Some people might measure their intensity in cookies. One cookie is good, two cookies is a bit much and three is over-the-top.

The method of comparison is not all that important. What is necessary is consistency and clarity. Does everyone with whom you are attempting to communicate get what you are trying to say? Would the neighbor next door know what cookies mean? Or would a “scale of one-to-ten” work better in that situation? Perhaps you want those around you not to understand, but your roomie gets it right away.

To properly set up your scale, it can be helpful to think of a personal memory, body sensation, and thinking pattern that accompanies each point of your measure. Suppose we are going to use cookies. Here is an example of how that might work out:

One cookie = What it was like last February when I rented that cabana on the beach (memory), and laid on a blanket on the sand. I was relaxed and enjoyed the sun (body sensation). My mind was completely empty (thinking pattern).

Two Cookies = The way I felt last Sunday when that yellow VW Bug cut me off when I was driving home from the park (memory), and my shoulders tensed up (body sensation) and I had thoughts of being uncared for and unnoticed (thinking pattern).

Three Cookies = Last July when my teenaged daughter was three hours late home after a date (memory), and I could not sit still. I paced back-and-forth in my living room for hours (body sensation) and had fearful thoughts about her safety (thinking pattern).

Spend some time getting used to and communicating whatever intensity scale you use. When you become more familiar, you can use your system to help you determine if the level of emotion is appropriate to the present moment. For example, you during a tense discussion, you might think to yourself, “This discussion is 1.5 cookies, but I’m feeling like it is 3!” – so you will know that your intensity is too high. With this information, you can better decide what is necessary for awareness and accommodation (See the article, Trauma Takeover for more on this).

Body-based Idea

Trauma responses are often felt deeply in the body. These sensations make their way out in our words, behaviors, moods, and physical reactions - but they start as pure sensations in the body.

When current emotions are infiltrated by past trauma, they can be too intense (think: the current situation plus the past trauma) or “off” or not intense enough (think: overload has shut emotions down).

Emotions that are too intense result in buzzing emotions that ricochet around the body, leading to an excess of energy that needs to go somewhere. In contrast, when we are numb or shut off, we may need to generate emotion so that we accurately read or motivate toward connection to others in the current moment.

The following ideas can help depending on which situation you may face. **Make sure that you are cleared by your medical doctor before trying any of the following.

To Reduce/Burn off Excess Emotion.

Intense Exercise : Do jumping jacks, run in place, punch the air, throw ice cubes in the bathtub or some other aerobic activity for 2 – 4 minutes.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation : Tense each muscle group for a few seconds and then release. Then move to the next muscle group. Be sure not to tense too much. The idea is muscle contraction, not muscle pain.

To Generate or Increase Emotion.

Watch an Activating Movie . Movies appeal to our somatic systems. In other words, we can emotionally react to movies as if they were real – but with enough distance so as not to be too upsetting…usually. Use wisdom, but perhaps try a movie that is a little scary, poses an ethical dilemma, or involves some sadness.

Use a More Intense Word . Did you know that words also carry intensity? Yes indeedy! When you are feeling low or numb, try using a word that is a bit more activated than you feel. Instead of saying, “I’m a little blue,” try, “I’m sad,” or “I feel melancholy.” Or, instead of “A bit miffed,” try “I’m angry,” or “I am agitated.”

WORD of the DAY: Intensity

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

When we are dealing with trauma, this word comes up often. But what does it really mean and how do we notice it?

First of all, it is crucial that we realize that emotions are in the body. They start out as neurochemical and electrical impulses in the brain, but they are experienced in the body. All too often, we modern rush, rush, rush types pay little attention to our bodies! If you don’t notice your body sensations, you certainly won’t notice intensity.

Intensity, when we are talking about emotions, refers to the relative strength of the sensations pulsating (or absent) throughout your body. Intensity can tell us something about the severity of the experience we are having. We notice intensity in many ways, such as: muscle contraction and release rates and strength, vibrations throughout our bodies, heat and cold, sharp and dull sensations.

Every emotion has its own signature. The “Big Four” – anger, fear, happiness, and sadness may be accompanied by the following sensations (they vary person-to-person):

Anger: Heat and energy

Fear: Cold and restlessness

Happiness: Lightness and a Sense of Pleasant Fullness (“Satisfaction”)

Sadness: Heaviness and Emptiness/Hollowness

The power of these sensations, along with the others mentioned above, can give you a signal as to the intensity of the present moment. The situation you are in may call for different levels of intensity, but what we are looking for is congruence of emotion . In other words, does the level of emotion fit the current situation?

Join us on Thursday, when we will explore a way to help us discern emotional congruence & intensity.

TRAUMA TAKEOVER

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

How to Tell When Trauma Infiltrates the Present Moment

(An Up-to-date Re-work of “Emotion Inflammation”)

Treja entered the coffee shop with great excitement. It had been such a long time since she had made time for a social life. She was finally grabbing a few minutes to meet with her new friend, Sonya. They had met a few weeks back at her cousin’s birthday party and had gotten together almost weekly since. Today is their first time meeting for lunch, a fantastic way to break up the monotonous day!

As per usual, Treja arrived a few minutes earlier than their twelve-noon agreed upon time. Casually, she scanned the room to see if Sonya was there yet. There was no sign of her. No worries! Treja gladly occupied herself by perusing the bakery display, struggling to decide which scrumptious item to choose.

Several moments passed and still no sign of Sonya. Treja tried not to show her burgeoning irritation as she frequently looked over her shoulder and around the space, ushering others in line in front of her. What felt like forever passed and she decided to place her order and then moseyed over to a seat in the corner that had a clear view of the entryway. The door being opaque, her head jerked up in anticipation at its every movement. One person. Two people. After the third person walked in, the rumblings in her head began full force.

Where is she already? Doesn’t she know I’ll worry? Maybe she isn’t as considerate as I thought.

Treja’s heart rate increased, and a slight pounding began at her temples. The familiar grip of anger took hold in her chest and abdomen as her muscles contracted, released, and contracted again. She fought the urge to scream.

How can people be so incredibly inconsiderate?

After an eternity, the door finally swung open to reveal Sonja’s wide smile! She quickly spotted Treja and waved vigorously, mouthing an “I’m sorry,” and pointed at the coffee counter, indicating she would place her order before coming to the table. Treja gave a fake smiley thumbs up as she grumbled under her breath.

She doesn’t even care she made me wait so long!

Once at the table, she apologized again and explained there was a construction jam on the road leading into the parking lot. She thought pulling over to call would have delayed her even more, so she decided against it. Seeming to feel amends had been adequately made, she chatted on about how cute, quaint, and wonderful a choice the coffee shop was.

Continuing her mental complaint-fest about the gall of her friend, Treja checked the time on her phone.

What? It’s only 12:08?

Feeling immediately foolish, knowing Sonya had not been late before, Treja gulped back her anger with her tea, but it was too late. The pleasant time had been marred.

Can you relate with Treja? Have you, too, had overly intense emotional reactions to even minor infractions? What’s going on here?

First, a bit of back story. When Treja was growing up, she had a sister who was always late – and I mean always late, sometimes not even showing up at all to the meetings they arranged. It was a sort of chiding game for her, and she let Treja know it. Early on, Treja would fret and worry, fearing the worst. After several experiences, though, she saw it for what it was, and the concern morphed into anger. When her sister would finally arrive, she would act upset when Treja complained, causing her to second-guess herself and leaving her feeling unimportant and resentful. Over time, the siblings drifted apart.

To this day, Treja hates to wait.

Difficult experiences such as these, especially ones that are repeated, are known as pre-existing vulnerability factors and can cause trauma responses in the brain. A trauma response occurs when the brain is triggered in the current moment by something associated with a past trauma. Once this triggering occurs, a cascade of internal events is set in motion at lightning speed.

The Grand Central Station of the brain, the Thalamus, send a warning signal straight to the Alarm System, the Amygdala.

The Alarm System engages the Defense Network, which results in Fight, Flight, or Freeze Responses.

These responses are visceral and outside of our awareness for at least a few seconds, sometimes never entering our consciousness at all. They involve an increase of adrenaline, a contracting of many of our muscles, a warming or cooling of the body, and/or a sense of overall distress.

The intent is to keep you safe, but as the triggers are only associative and not detailed, the reaction may be enacted erroneously, meaning what you are experiencing as a threat in the present moment may not actually be one.

Also, when a trigger occurs, the body is flooded with uncomfortable feelings that are usually not meant to be questioned. In fact, the entire thing – from trigger to alarm – takes less than thirteen milliseconds, which is almost ten times faster than the blink of an eye! The fact you can’t catch yourself in a trigger is not your fault!

And it means…if you are triggered, you will react in defense!

The goal is to start to recognize the ways in which the past infiltrates the present and to be proactive with your responses. We will explore this all throughout the month.

For now, let’s start with defining trauma. What we will call “Little T” traumas can range from mild acts of inconsideration, such as when Treja’s friend was late, to outright traumatic events, such as when Treja was consistently disregarded and devalued by her sister. “Big T” traumas usually involve some level of fear for your safety, such as being chased, hit, or witnessing someone else experience these types of traumas. These are just a couple of examples. Whether something is a “Little T” or “Big T” trauma is based on perception and experience. What hits one person one way will be completely different for another person, even in the same household and family. Categorizing traumas is not as important as realizing they all result in activation of the defense network on some level, whether mild or severe.

When you are triggered in the present moment, it is often due to the pre-existing vulnerability factors (PVFs) referred to earlier. PVFs wreak havoc on our nervous systems and emotional states and cause what I call, “emotion inflammation.”

Emotion inflammation occurs when traumas that occurred in the past infiltrate the present moment through an environmental/sensory trigger. The good news is, there are some distinct ways this often happens, namely:

Intensity – Emotions are too strong or too weak for what is happening in the present moment.

Example: Treja’s reaction to her friend being late

Duration – The sensation of an emotion lasts too long, not long enough, or may be absent altogether, incongruent to the experience of the present moment.

Example: When you are still mulling over an upsetting conversation late into the

evening.

Frequency – An emotion happens too often or not often enough.

Example: You never seem to be able to be excited when invited to see a friend

Direction – The source of the emotion is A but you focus it on B.

Example: Treja, who is angry with her sister, takes it out on her friend

These types of exaggerated or minimized responses are common. Most of us experience one or more of these sometime in our lives and we may not even notice it. A visual way of thinking of them that has helped me is to classify these responses as, “A bazooka at an ant,” (over-reaction) or a “Band Aid™ for a heart attack” (under-response).

Whenever you notice these types of reactions, you can be fairly certain PVFs are the culprit and you can take note of the ABCs of the experience: The Activating Event (or Trigger), the Behavioral Response (How you behave when triggered) and the Consequences (What happens right after). Looking at these may help you notice cues for your triggers (A) and which kind of infiltration is happening (B & C).

Noticing all this can also help you take yourself and your character off the blame hook – you do not experience these reactions because you are bad, flawed, or a failure. You experience them because you are a human with a brain and body that often works on triggers.

“Okay, great!” you say, “So, what do I do about it?”

So glad you asked!

The first thing you must do is become aware of destructive PVFs. Now that you have the four reactions mentioned above, you can use the ABCs and go to work noticing them in your life.

Once you identify a PVF or emotional infiltrator, the next thing to do is create a plan to accommodate them. In Treja’s example, she could create a calming/re-centering phrase to say to herself, such as, “When people are late, it triggers me. Sonya is not my sister. This situation is different.” She might pair this with a deep breath, a fiddle with a fidget tool, or any other grounding technique (an action that brings you in full contact with your senses and mental processes in the…you guessed it…present moment!).

Awareness and accommodation of inflamed emotional responses takes time and effort. Here’s some good news: Reading this article has taken you a fair way down the awareness road. Keep going! Come back throughout the month and read other tips and ideas to help.

Noticing and responding with patience and consideration to your PVFs will improve your relationships and self-confidence. It is worth the effort! Give it a try!

THE SOCIAL CONTRACT GONE TOO FAR

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

Hannah Smith

Watch Out World!

There I was, twenty-eight years old with no earthly idea how to communicate under pressure. Fumbling my words at every turn, my face turning beet red, shaking, and sweating, I must have looked like I was ready to snap.

Did you know every time you come in contact with other human beings, you interact with them according to an unspoken agreement? Most people have never heard of the invisible document whose suppositions and requirements are rarely, if ever, mentioned – and yet we are all held to its rules and regulations.

The hidden text to which I refer is called the Social Contract . Generally, this is a political and philosophical pseudo-writ intended to outline the understanding that we willingly relinquish some of our personal rights in order to be ruled by whatever government is in power. It is, in essence, the decree by which one person (or group of people) are allowed to rule another in exchange for various protections. It is what allows us to have governments and prevents the planet from succumbing to seven and a half billion anarchists.

If you think this is bad now, just imagine that for a minute.

For purposes of what I want to talk about today, though, this definition of the Social Contract will differ a bit.

The Everyday Social Contract

Over the years, I have had the privilege of working with people who are neurodiverse. Many of us who do this work use the concept of, “The Social Contract,” as the list of unspoken rules we are required to follow while participating in civil society. The goal of ensure safety. Interestingly, I have found the term and concept useful not only with people who struggle with social cuing, but for just about everyone who has relationship difficulties. After all, we all must interact with people we do not know well or to whom we owe no natural allegiance. Having a term for how we do this (or, are expected to do this, contrary to our wishes sometimes) has been helpful.

Safety First

Whether speaking of interpersonal interactions or of the allowance of government entities to rule, the base reason for the notion of the Social Contract in the first place is first and foremost safety. I would go so far as to say it is the only reasonable purpose for its existence. To be willing to engage in connection and growth with others, there needs to be at least a modicum of agreed upon trust and safety. Without this, fear naturally prevents any alliance. After all, if someone forces you at gunpoint to give them all your money, you will hardly enjoy a meal or an afternoon stroll with them. We need to feel safe so we can interact effectively. We need rules.

What, Then, Are the Rules?

Well, alright. The idea of having a set of rules to make us all feel safe so that we can interact in a calm and orderly fashion makes sense. But what exactly are said rules?

The truth? No one really knows. There are likely as many sets of rules as there are people on the planet. However, I think it is safe to say these are at least some of the more commonly accepted ones:

Watch your Language

Including body language, tone, and word choice. Avoid aggressive language and insults.

Stay Outside the Bubble

Covid-19 and the six-foot rule aside, everyone has a personal bubble of safety. Respect that. Keep your hands to yourself. Ask before you touch a person or property. No violence of any kind unless for self-defense.

Keep your Word

In the words of Don Miguel Ruiz “Be Impeccable with Your Word” – If you don’t do what you say you will do, do not be surprised if others do not trust you. Take the time you need to decide what you are capable of doing before you commit.

Respect Boundaries

No means no. ‘Nuff said.

Take your Turn

Everything is not about you. Some give-and-take and back-and-forth is necessary for healthy relationships. This goes both ways – Give and take. Don’t be the only one talking but neither say nothing at all. Both sides need an appropriate amount of openness so no one person carries the relationship or even the interaction.

Speak Up!

It is no one else’s job to guess what your needs are. Ask for what you want clearly, without being passive-aggressive. Also, if you do not know something for sure, ask…don’t make assumptions.

Hands Off!

Do not take anything that does not belong to you. Ask before you borrow.

This is not a completely comprehensive list, but it is a fairly good start. Follow these rules and you are likely to be at least approachable in most situations.

A Step too Far

All of this sounds well and good, but in many instances, this innate concept has been taken a step too far. The sensible provision of safety is taken too far. At times, society morphs it's need for security into a demand for conformity. In so doing, pressure is applied to require us to look, act, think, dress, and behave in cookie-cutter fashion. For a culture that seems to pride itself on being independent, the second we step out of status quo, there can be consequences. Judging a book by its cover has become the purview of the masses.

It should not be this way.

Same Kind of Different

When you finish reading this, go find yourself a beautiful, peaceful place where you will not be interrupted and spend some time thinking about all of this. What has it been like to be you in this world? Are you living behind a mask so you can “look/act/think” like everyone else? What if, instead of giving up you, you taught the world who you are? What if you made friends with awkwardness and let them stare and stand back a bit until they see the whole of you?

Start small. Pull out those orange tennies. Tell that first date you love underwater basket weaving. Let your hair grow or chop it all off. Find out who you really are – give your behavior and appearance the “Do I look Aggressive/Unsafe” litmus test – and if you come away clear then own you! Go on the quest to find those who are the same kind of different as you. The term for this is coterie. Coteries are “people who get me” – MOPS, AA, Mental Health Support Groups, and Hobby Groups are some examples.

Changing the rigid fear of this world is a process. It will not all change overnight. Go slow. Test the waters around you. Teach people who you are – do not be swayed by first impressions. It is true people will snap judge you, but it is also true that they will settle on a truer judgment over time.

The basis of any resistance is generally fear. If you understand this, it can help. You can choose, however, not to live by fear and you can teach others to do the same by being fully, safely, authentically you.

MAKING FRIENDS WITH LOOKING DUMB

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

Hannah Smith

Thinking Out Loud

The second the topic was revealed to me, my mind went completely blank. Staring at my books, the English language appeared as hieroglyphics bouncing on the page. Doing my best to push through, I scribbled a note or two on a page and eventually scratched out something resembling an outline. Then, I just stared at my knees, completely thunderstruck.

As training settings go, my surroundings were warm and inviting and my co-attendees were likewise kind and interested. I could feel them rooting for me. One-by-one, each person took their place at the podium. To this day, I have no idea what anyone said. When my name was finally called, I made my way up to the speaker’s position and laid my papers down on the stand. I looked at each of the six sets of eyes looking back at me and proceeded to completely bomb my speech.

I mean it. I bombed.

Whatever it was I said, there was nothing coherent about it. I hemmed and hawed and ummed my way through. I could see the pain on people’s faces. They clearly saw how poorly I was doing. There was no salvaging this. Plain and simple, I looked downright dumb – something that, until that day, was absolutely intolerable. In my own estimation, I was already ugly, weak, and poor. I was banking on my smarts to give me something redeemable in this world.

As I type these words, the sadness of that thought still hits me like a tidal wave. I know I am not the only one who has ever engaged in this line of thinking. Every single day, millions of people berate themselves for not being good enough. We look to our left and our right and we find ourselves lacking in comparison to others. Never mind the myriad ways we may struggle in ways not visible to others. We still compare – and compare on a level never before known. No more are the days of competing only with our small-town neighbors. No. Now, the challenge is to compete with the entire world and everyone’s goal is to come out on top. It is absolute madness.

It was not news to me that I was inept at interpersonal skills. I am not sure if it was the day of this speech or not, but sometime around then, I made a very conscious decision to make friends with looking dumb. I knew that if I was ever going to be able to tell my story with any kind of competence, I was going to have to improve my communication skills, and if I was going to do that, I would have to practice.

Folks…practice means, “Try something you don’t already know how to do, again and again, messing up along the way, until you become fluid or proficient at it.” It does not mean, “Decide to do something brand new and come out of the gates perfect at it.”

As a teacher, I understood how learning worked. I had to embrace awkwardness. I also knew I could not continue beating on myself for my mistakes or eventually, I would give up. I had to press on through all the flubs and fails.

This was much easier thought than done.

Our society does not make much room for mistakes. I know very few people who have attended every single day of school all throughout their life and yet there is an expectation that we all know not only everything, but all the same things. As an adult in the Western world, I have seen little grace extended for public faux pas. Everyone knows, though no one actually says, that perfection in all public endeavors is a must. None of us is perfect, so this is a no go from the start, and yet…we do try, don’t we?

When I began the quest to improve my communication, I realized I needed to improve my vocabulary, speed up my ability to speak under pressure, and to appear confident. That last one, I knew, was a must – and yet, the moment I went from frail, mousey, wallflower to contained, thoughtful, and assertive, I was accused of being condescending. It was as if I was not acceptable in my normal chaos nor was I acceptable in an improved state. At first, I wanted to give up – but I realized no one knew what was happening inside of me. For all I knew, they thought I was presenting the same chaos in a different package. I had to give them a break.

Being who I am, I began to read everything I could get my hands on, listen to other teachers, practice new skills, and pray, pray, pray. For over a year, there was scarcely a single waking moment outside of work that I was not either pouring out my heart and desires to God or feeding my brain in some way. I was relentless. I did not initially jump into the deep end. I withdrew and took time for silence, solitude, and contemplation.

When faced with skeptics, I developed the habit of saying, “Just keep watching. You will see.” This helped them as well as me. For them, they understood that I realized how different I appeared, and it gave them the idea I was working on something new. For me, it was a way to remember that changes inside could not be fully seen outwardly yet, but it was me giving myself credit for doing the invisible work.

Slowly, but surely, over time, I began to emerge from the knots I had tied myself in throughout my life. I began to speak up and then to speak out. I found my brain begin to organize itself in a more coherent manner. I developed curiosity and used it to teach, rather than to be presumptuous or overly directive. I am far, far from perfect as a writer or orator – but I am eons from where I was. I have learned along the way that it is okay to do my process in front of others – necessary, actually. Without the input and feedback of those around me, I would never know what works.

Everyone who watched me walk through my healing will tell you, I am not the same. I do not look, act, walk, or talk the same. I am new. I did not get here on the easy road. It was hard. Excruciating at times. But so much more doable and so much more worth it than I could have imagined when I started. I must believe – and I feel I have proof – that I am not the only one who can heal. I want to tell my story because I want you to know that you, too, can be the fullness of yourself.

Not everyone will walk the same path I did – but anyone who wants to rise above your early circumstances and claim the purpose, joy, and abundant life you have always wanted can! Don’t give up. Make friends with looking silly. Trust me when I tell you, the day will come – on this earth and in the world to come – when the work will pay off and every painful step will be redeemed.

NO. I AM NOT SURE...

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

Hannah Smith

Thinking Out Loud

It is beautiful outside. I mean, really beautiful. Deep blue sky provides backdrop to green trees and the curves and lines of earth-toned buildings. Even indoors, there is a pleasant mix of warm air and cool breeze. The smell of coffee, danish, and gelato fills the spacious room and buoyant music surrounds me. Every sense is uplifted. I am so blessed in this moment.

I look around the café and take in the faces of those who, like me, are working away on their computers. Each table and chair an island, including my own. I am struck with overwhelming love and care for each person here.

A conversation happens on the couch set a few feet away from me. A man tells a lady of a trip he plans to make to Central America in a few weeks. He brags a bit about his book he has written that is coming out and the interviews he is sure to have while down South. He sits, cross-legged, arms splayed over the back of the chair as if to say, “I own this space.”

I listen to him talk. The tone of his voice exudes confidence and self-assurance. Memories trickle in and I am drawn back to a time where I, too, felt that way. A sense of unease arises from a place a try to keep locked away from my consciousness. Pulling myself back to the present, I continue to eavesdrop a bit. The lady leaves and the man sits alone, looking just as “King on his throne,” as he did when he was talking to her.

The brightness of the moment unexpectedly interrupted, I find myself judging this man, wondering how he can be so self-assured. A sadness looms over me and I turn to judging my own judging, wondering how I got this way. It was not that long ago when I felt confident, assured, passionate, and driven, comfortable in who I am. I had a mission in mind; a story to tell.

Where has all that gone?

I love writing and speaking, specifically writing and speaking about the amazing, crazy, chaotic, redemptive story that is my life. There is nothing…nothing…I want more in this life than to tell you who read my words that there is hope beyond your wildest imaginations. Hope for what, you ask. Hope for joy, abundance, love, purpose, health, and so much more. I want you to understand the vessel in which you live and to grab life with all you have and fully engage. I want you to downright explode with joyful anticipation. I believe my story will take you at least some way down the road toward all of this.

And yet, I am quiet. I do not tell my story. I deprive you and I am sorry.

The truth is, I am afraid. The truth is, there is a lot I know – know to the core of my being, to the marrow of my bones – but what I do not know stops me.

I do not know what you will think of me if I stray from the concreteness of science and move into the murkier waters of story. Will you hold both as equally true?

I do not know what you will think if I say, “I love Jesus and He is the main reason I am where I am.” Will you know that I do not say that to enforce any particular belief in you? Will you see that I am not interested in “conversion,” but am after transformation?

Will you judge me by what others have said and done? Will you judge me for what I, myself, have said and done?

If I cannot tell you something you can evaluate with a measuring stick, will you still listen?

Will you do the work it takes to glean the gold from my story that will fill your own treasure chest of healing gems?

All these questions clog the way for me. I feel stymied and stuck.

To complicate matters, in recent years, I have had to do a great deal of research in the form of professional journal article and book reviews. I have read and listened to countless books and talks on neuroscience. In all this, I have seen the clear all-or-nothing fallacy we all seem to fall for that proports, “Anything scientific is real and anything spiritual is not.” I have seen well-funded studies prove the exact opposite of what other similar studies have shown. I have seen those with more letters after their name than I can count refer to themselves as experts, knowing full-well they are merely regurgitating what other people have said, adding nothing of their own to the topic. I have come away from all this doubting everything, wondering what can be trusted?

My eyes and mind return to the man in the brown, cushy chair in front of me. As I watch him, thoughts that have been percolating below the surface all day coalesce into coherence and a deep understanding begins to take shape.

No. I am not sure about a lot of things – but I am sure about the most important thing: I am here when I should not be. The life I have lived should have been the death of me. Instead, the road weaved and turned and twisted into an exquisite tapestry, one I could never have fashioned on my own. I know the path I have trodden, and I know the lessons I have learned along the way. I am convinced that some of what I have learned will bless others.

And I know it is time to let go of the fear. It is time to tell my story, even if just bit-by-bit, come what may. You, my human brothers and sisters, are worth this fray into the deep. I am sure I will stumble from time-to-time. I pray I remain open to new insights for as much as I know, I know that I do not know so much more.

So, with humility and awe, I will dive in. Will you join me?

UNDERSTANDING ANGER, HOSTILITY, AND RAGE

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

Hannah Smith

“What do you mean? I don’t have any anger!”

“I’m just being assertive when I tell my boss off for his micromanaging.”

“I can’t help it! I just get so angry. I have to punch something.”

The above phrases belie misconceptions common in our society. These errors are due to the misunderstanding of the difference between anger, hostility, and rage.

Many people are afraid of anger because they mistake it for hostility or even rage. Therefore, they say they do not experience the emotion, or they are afraid to express it because of the scary images they have of it in their minds. Others may believe they are only being assertive when, in fact, they are closer to feelings and behaviors associated with hostility. Finally, those who have the inability to control their outbursts may inadvertently call rage by the wrong name, thereby adding to the confusion.

What follows are some ways to tell the difference.

Anger

This emotion is the warmth you feel in your face, the tension in your neck, or butterflies of energy in your core. This is the energy it takes to push you to ask for what you want and to say no in difficult circumstances. Anger’s voice is firm and persistent but never degrading, intimidating, or condescending. Anger will bug you and try to persuade you to act, but it will not beat you up. Anger comes from injustice and boundary crossing. When expressed in a healthy manner, anger can motivate us toward conflict resolution. Anger should not seethe or last too long.

Typical anger thoughts: “This is unfair.” “I don’t this to happen again.”

Hostility

You will know this by the heat in your body, restless, pressured energy, all-over body tension, clinched fists and jaws, and the like. Behaviors associated with hostility include insults, aggression, intimidation, malicious manipulation, coercion, and oppression. These behaviors not only push you to address an issue, they compel you to do so, with vehemence. Hostility’s voice is loud and often inconsiderate. It belittles others and makes you feel bigger and stronger – but in a way that actually makes you smaller, often appearing more insecure. Hostility comes from the belief that others are out to get us and that we are not worthy, capable, cared for, or some other self-abasing belief. Some people feel it is their right (or even duty) to be hostile in the face of offense or difficulty. Hostile behaviors are an unhealthy way to meet our needs. This set of emotions can simmer and boil and come out towards others who are not the source of the problem.

Typical hostility thoughts: “This is unfair, they need to pay.” “No one cares about my needs”

Rage

This is loss of control. This is storming out, punching walls, screaming, threatening, and other such behaviors you would most likely never endorse when you are calm. Many say that rage “just hits them,” but the truth is, there is usually a build-up over time that can be learned to be recognized and diffused. Rage generally comes after hostility (and, for some, loads of it). It can also be a habit developed after exposure to chronically hostile or rageful caregivers. Sometimes, it can come from the explosion after too many pent-up trauma triggers. Rage feels quick or even “instant.” Little-to-no thought is involved at this point. Mind is often blank and there are even impairments in optical and physical sensory reception leading to the “seeing red” or “feeling hot with anger.”

What's the Point?

Anger serves a healthy purpose. Hostility and rage generally do not. However, all of these emotional states have a purpose. People who exhibit these states are not crazy, and none of these randomly happen.

The goal with anger is to push you into action to protect yourself and/or others or set things right. Anger’s big, scary brother, hostility, is meant to scare others away. If you are being mugged and acting “big and bad” will scare the bad guys away, then hostility may seem useful. However, research into something called polyvagal theory tells us why we “fight” or “puff up” when we are angry and it can teach us the best way to manage difficult situations, which generally includes use of something called, “the social engagement network.” This is a system in the brain that helps us connect to others, whereas hostility responses generally are meant to push others away.

Finally, rage is the volcano explosion after the impacted fumes of simmering anger or hostility have reached their limit. It is the pressure valve blown off. Few of us will argue the hazard of acting out of rage. It is far better to deal with situations at the anger level than to allow them to get this far. For some of us, it may feel too late. You may even categorize yourself or someone you love as “a rageful person.” If this describes you or a loved one, do not despair. You can learn to release the anger (which is often quite appropriate) in safer, smaller doses. Seek out anger management or other professional therapeutic services to help you. Make sure whoever you work with uses both cognitive and somatic (“of the body”) approaches to anger management (a misnomer, sadly. It should be called rage management).

So, What Should I Do if I'm Angry?

The first thing to keep in mind is not to allow anger to grow into hostility. It is a slippery slope we have all slid down.

Imagine this – your partner, the person who is meant to love you best, forgets to pick up your dry cleaning for the third time. The first two times you were nice about it. You didn’t say a thing (which, as you will see, is not so nice – but that’s another blogpost). However, in the midst of all your niceness you internalized the message, “I do not matter,” or “They do not care.” You love your partner. You know them to be a caring person, but your brain is morphing into defense mode and telling you a story that makes you start to doubt their intentions. Therefore, the minute they walk through the door after work, you begin a strongly worded, loud litany of complaints that hits them in all the right spots to make them want to retreat from you. Simultaneously, you may be asking yourself in your head why you are doing this? Don’t you love each other? All you really wanted from the beginning was deeper connection but here you are pushing them away. You hear yourself talk and feel worse and worse about what you are saying, but somehow you cannot stop.

This is the result of escalating anger. We lose contact with the flexible, reasonable part of our brain and we fall back into, “I know what’ll get ya!” mode in order to create “safe space” we erroneously think will cause us less pain. As in the story above, at a later time, you may very genuinely want to retract all you said, not really meaning any of it. One cannot un-ring a bell and the targets were so easily hit that it is hard for the receiver of your aggression to believe it was not meant specifically to hurt them.

If you are in danger then by all means, do what is truly and wisely necessary to protect yourself. However, as a tool for everyday difficult interactions, hostility will rarely solve the problem. In fact, the use of it can make an unpleasant situation worse or even dangerous. The better solution is to pay attention to what angers you and nip it in the bud.

To do this effectively, it can help to pay attention to the intensity of the offense and/or the frequency or duration. It can be helpful to create a bit of a scale. Offenses that are one-offs that are below, say, a five on a scale of one-to-ten can be overlooked and forgotten. This is an extension of grace – and we all need that from each other from time-to-time. However, if the same event occurs more than two times or lasts for long enough to pinch, then address the issue. Do not let it fester into hostility.

Where to Go for Help

If you feel you have anger and you struggle to express it in a healthy way, taking communication classes or going to therapy to learn how to ask for what you want, say no in a healthy manner, and to learn to tolerate the discomfort of disappointment, waiting, and other inconveniences is important. You may also need to learn to draw and enforce boundaries. This is not easy when your patterns and relationships are already established. Chances are, though, if you have acted out of hostility or rage, then you already have the skill set needed to do hard things. Give yourself some credit and do not be ashamed to reach out for help. It is no more a weakness to ask for help with overly strong emotions than it is to seek out care for arthritis or heart disease. Mental health issues are, after all, health issues and all of us need help with our health from time-to-time.

EMOTION INFLAMMATION

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

Hannah Smith

The Effects of Pre-Existing Vulnerability Factors

Treja entered the coffee shop with great excitement. It had been such a long time since she had made time for a social life. She was finally grabbing a few minutes to meet with her new friend, Sonya. They had met a few weeks back at her cousin’s birthday party and had met almost weekly since. Today is their first time meeting for lunch, a fantastic way to break up her monotonous day!

Arriving spot on at twelve noon as they had agreed, Treja chided herself for nearly being late. Expectantly, she scanned the room to see if Sonya was there yet. A slight twinge of irritation flitted through her as it became evident she hadn’t. Perhaps she’s in the bathroom. With that thought, she brushed her feelings away and occupied herself by looking at the bakery display, struggling to decide which scrumptious item to choose.

What felt like forever passed and, delaying as long as she could without looking odd, Treja finally made her order. She paid and then moseyed over to a seat in the corner that had a clear view of the entryway. The door being opaque, her head jerked up in anticipation at its every movement. One person. Two people. After the third person walked in, the rumblings in her head began full force.

“Where is she already? Doesn’t she know I’ll worry? Maybe she isn’t as considerate as I thought.”

Her heart rate increased, and a slight pounding began at her temples. The familiar grip of anger took hold in her chest and abdomen. She fought the urge to scream. How can people be so incredibly inconsiderate?

Finally, the door swung open and her smiling friend waved vigorously and pointed at the coffee counter, indicating she would place her order before coming to the table. She mouthed an “I’m sorry,” and when she arrived at the table, she apologized again and explained there was a construction jam on the road leading into the parking lot and she felt pulling over to call would have delayed her even more.

Seeming to feel amends had be adequately made, she chatted on about how cute and quaint and what a wonderful choice the coffee shop was.

Feeling foolish, Treja berated herself for being so bothered. Sonya had not been late before, and it was only 12:10 pm.

Why was Treja so very upset at such a minor infraction? Can you relate? What’s going on here?

First, a bit of back story. When Treja was growing up, she had a sister who was always late – and I mean late, sometimes not even showing up at all to the meetings they arranged. Early on, Treja would fret and worry, fearing the worst. After several experiences, though, the concern morphed into anger. When her sister would finally arrive, she would act put out when Treja complained, leaving her feeling unimportant and resentful. Over time, the siblings drifted apart. To this day, Treja hates to wait.

Difficult experiences such as these, especially ones that are repeated, are known as pre-existing vulnerability factors. These can range from acts of inconsideration, such as with Treja and her sister, to outright traumatic events. Pre-existing vulnerability factors (PVFs) are experiences that make unhelpful or maladaptive responses more likely to happen when faced with similar situations. PVFs wreak havoc on our emotional state and cause what I call, “emotion inflammation.” Some of the ways emotions are affected are:

Frequency – An emotion happens too often or not often enough.

Intensity – Emotions are too strong or too weak

Duration – The sensation of an emotion lasts too long, not long enough, or may be absent altogether.

Direction – The source of the emotion is A but you focus it on B.

These types of exaggerated or minimized responses are common. Most of us experience one or more of these sometime in our lives. I have grown to think of them in terms of, “A bazooka at an ant,” (over-reaction) or a, “Band Aid™ for a heart attack” (under-response).

Whenever you notice these types of reactions, you can be fairly certain PVFs are the culprit. Take yourself and your character off the blame hook – you do not experience this because you are bad, flawed, or a failure. You experience them because you are a human with a brain that works mostly on association.

“Okay, great!” you say, “So, what do I do about it?”

So glad you asked!

The first thing you must do is become aware of destructive pvfs. Now that you have the four reactions mentioned above, you can go to work noticing them in your life.

Once you identify a pvf, the next thing to do is create a plan to accommodate it. In Treja’s example, she could create a phrase to say to herself, such as, “When people are late, it triggers me. Sonya is not my sister. This situation is different.” She might pair this with a deep breath, a fiddle with a fidget tool, or any other grounding technique (an action that brings you in full contact with your senses and mental processes).

Awareness of and accommodation for inflamed emotional responses takes time and effort. Here’s some good news: Reading this article has taken you a fair way down the awareness road. Keep going! Noticing and responding with patience and consideration to your PVFs will improve your relationships and self-confidence. It is worth the effort! Give it a try!

NAVIGATING THE TWO PAINS

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

Hannah Smith

Survivor to Thriver

Pressing down hard on my suitcase, I am scarcely able to finish zipping it before I hear the car horn signal time to go. As if watching myself from the upper corner of the ceiling, I watch myself walk out the door, leaving behind everything and everyone I know, off to a land I have barely set foot in, with little money and nothing resembling a real plan. Bound for India, all my earthly possessions occupy two check-in bags and a carry-on. The story I tell myself is that I am brave and headed for adventure.

If that day was any indication, then God truly watches out for fools and children. In some ways, I was both.

The truth I see so clearly now but could not allow myself to acknowledge back then is that I was willing to go to extreme lengths and face tremendous dangers, all for the sake of escaping one thing in life: pain.

Not just any pain – soul-wrenching, heart crushing emotional pain. Physical pain, I could manage – but this…the longing, empty, aching, and searching pain that radiated within me, seeping out and infecting every element of my life. This, no one taught me how to deal with, or even that I could.

Running Away From Emotional Pain

Does this resonate? What is emotional pain like for you?

A headache comes and you reach for the Tylenol bottle. Sore throat – where are the lozenges? Broken leg…okay, you can’t fix that yourself, but you know what to do. Who has ever taught us what to do with heartache from loss? Or the seething anger of injustice? What about spine-snapping fear? What then?

I spent more than forty years of my life running from emotional agony. I became quite adept at it. Sometimes, I ran by holding perfectly still, slowly shutting down the pain receptors in my heart and mind so I could pretend nothing bad was happening. I soldiered on, quelling one ache with another, duller, less compelling one.

Other times, I ran physically, often leaving one damaging situation for another before anyone even knew I was unhappy. In the years between eighteen and thirty-eight, I moved over forty-four times, living in three countries, six states, and over twenty different cities.

Whenever life became too big, which often happened in my social life, a change of scenery provided the false security I needed to think I was safe. The illusion of, “just fine,” continued and all was well…until it wasn’t.

The Two Types of Pain

Why do we do such crazy stuff to avoid pain?

I believe the answer lies in the fact that no one tells us there is more than one kind of pain: Destructive and constructive pain. Although I highlight emotional pain here, this can extend to mental, physical, and spiritual pain for some, as well. Whichever one it is, knowing which pain you face can make all the difference.

Destructive pain is that which diminishes us. Pain that destroys hope, wrecks relationships, solving problems only on the surface, while wreaking havoc in the depths falls under this label.

On the other hand, constructive pain causes us to grow. We are challenged and stretched, sometimes to uncomfortable levels, but if we slow down long enough to notice, we can often see – even in the midst of it all – the end result will be an increase in wisdom, strength, purpose, and character.

The Problem with Pain

Whatever the source, issue, or manner, all pain hurts. Please find solace in the fact that our brains are wired to escape or minimize pain. The fact you do not like it and go to lengths to avoid or end it does not make you weak or bad in any way. It simply means no one taught you to detect the difference or how to manage it when you do.

As mentioned, all pain hurts – and herein lies at least part of the problem. If all pain hurts, then how do you know which agony to run from and which to embrace?

For example, what about those particular circles of people who would have us believe because they are family, friend, religious leader, or other specific designation we actually have no rights? For them, there is no real concept of consideration. We are simply at their disposal, and we are meant to take what they dole out with a smile. Here, we are encouraged to accept destructive pain.

Then, there is the fact that we live in a society that extols the virtues of security, ease, and haste. Here, we are coaxed toward rejecting constructive pain. Think about it. If you have to push past your comfort zone, struggle with an issue, or wait for an outcome, your well-programmed brain will send you signals that something is wrong. Recall some of the commercials and shows you watch, the billboards and advertising you pass, and the rants that fill social media. How on earth can you think any other way if you leave your brain in charge.

More evidence for why I proclaim my mantra: You are not your brain!

Learn the Difference

Hopefully, you are beginning to see that, though some pain needs to be steered clear of, some may need to be endured, and maybe even sought out and embraced. I think on some level, we all know this – but the problem is, life moves so fast that we rarely stop to check out the fullness of our circumstances. “React first, analyze later,” seems to be the way to go – except that it is not.

If you want to grow and build a life of abundance, then you will need to learn the difference between the two pains. There are no cut-and-dried, one-size-fits-all for this. You must use thoughtfulness and wisdom. However, there are a few rather ubiquitous markers that we are heading toward danger or health. Here are some ABCs to help you begin the task of differentiation.

Destructive Pain

Abuse

In my work as a trauma therapist, I have interacted with more people than I care to count who have learned the art of justifying abuse. Often, it comes down to a history of maltreatment during formative years that left them not really understanding what abuse is.

Merriam-Webster defines abuse as, “improper or excessive use or treatment.” Abuse can be physical, emotional, mental, sexual, and spiritual. I believe respect and dignity are solid markers of how to treat a human properly. Disagreements are fine. Abuse is not. At all times, you deserve respect and dignity in every area of life.

How about the excessive bit? Contrary to the belief of some, you were not put on this planet to be run into the ground. You are allowed to have your own priorities and contexts. You are allowed to say no. In fact, if that right is taken away, you no longer have a relationship and the words for what is happening is slavery or coercion. When in doubt, return to the first half of the definition – respect and dignity. If someone wants to persuade you into their way of thinking, there is no problem with that, as long as they maintain thoughtfulness about how and allow you your no when you need it.

Boundary Crossing

This is another area where we consort with the enemy, joining them in the belief we do not have a right to say no.

Boundaries are necessary for a healthy relationship to thrive. We must allowed to say no and to ask for what we want. We will not always have our wishes granted, but the right to ask must remain. At times, we can bow to the message from loved ones that implies our relationship means we have no real rights. At other times, we can wear our martyrdom as a badge of honor. “Look how much I will do for you – to the absolute death of anything called ‘me’.”

Boundaries define us and prevent exhaustion and relationship killing resentment. If you are not allowed to set and enforce boundaries, the relationship needs work. Get help or get out, but do not be complacent with having your boundaries crossed.

Control

It is healthy to consider the advice, concerns, and requests of others. It makes us good friends, family members, and team players.

However, you do not have to give up the reigns in your own life to anyone. If someone in your life is attempting to control you, consider it a neon-level warning that something is seriously wrong. Do not be fooled by supposed good intentions. At the same time, be aware that we can send deferential signals to others that we willingly give them power to run our life when we routinely refrain from drawing boundaries. If you have done this, own it and realize it likely came from that unspoken contract I eluded to earlier. Work to find or build the courage and support it will take to break free.

Constructive Pain

Authenticity

Being you – the real you – is hard in our culture. However, it is a worthy and necessary endeavor. If you do not know who you are or what you want, you may have to do some work to figure it out. If that is the case, then please do the work. Think about this: Your friend invites you to a movie you do not like, but you fear she will not like you if you say no. You go. You are miserable. Your friend picks up on that and asks you what’s up. You deny any issues, further distancing yourself from the truth of who you are. A seed of resentment is planted. After a while, it blooms full force, and you find yourself avoiding your friend. Some time passes and she confronts you. You finally admit what the problem was and she tells you picking a different movie would not have been such a big deal but now she is unsure what you say she can trust. A breach that is very difficult to repair is caused by such actions. Fight the lie that says you are somehow nice when you consistently give yourself up for others. Do the work it takes to be yourself.

Boundaries

Here’s this word again. In the earlier paragraph, the fact others can cross our boundaries was highlighted so as to persuade you not to settle for that. Here, the idea is to encourage you to do the hard work it takes to figure out and draw your boundaries with others. No one likes to hear no. It won’t be fun. However, those who truly love and care for you and who also have growth mindset will quickly figure out your no will not kill them. Here’s a twist – remember that most people you come across really are strong enough to hear your no. Treat them with the respect and dignity inherent to that belief.

Community

People are frustrating sometimes. Most of the pain we try to avoid in being authentic or drawing boundaries comes from the response of people around us. We can get to the point that we no longer wish to try, and we succumb to giving ourselves up. Building community is challenging. That said, it is also a pain worth undergoing. If you maintain your unique self and keep your boundary lines, then the benefits and payoffs you will receive from community will be immense. We are not islands unto ourselves, but thanks to the comparison fallacies rife in our modern world, we often wish we were. Do not fall prey to the idea that you do not need others. Interdependence, not independence, is the highest level of maturity.

If you read this article and think that those around you will not support your engagement with constructive pain preferring you to stay subject to them in destructive pain, then you may need to find another tribe. Do not be afraid to reach out to professionals, clergy, mentors, teachers, or others as a start. Heck, find a really good TED talk, podcast, or memoir to spur you on to start if need be. Whatever it takes to help you manage growing pains is worth the effort.

Photo Provided by Isabel Thomas. For more information, contact Info@PotentialFinders.com , subject heading: Photo Inquiry.

THE TWO KINDS OF KNOWING

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

Hannah Smith

Mindfulness in Action

As I lay there on the floor, drained of every last ounce of energy, mind blank, I somehow knew the right thing to do. It was time to leave the land I had come to think of as home and return to the US. As the days and weeks followed that fateful day, the knowing became stronger and the assurance deeper. Looking back now, over nine years post my departure from India, the decision has indeed proven to be the right one. There were no facts, nothing I could have pointed to that could have explained my decision, especially in the face of the fierce love I had for the place, the people, and my job. I just knew.

Have you ever had an experience like this? Those times when you just knew something somehow? What is that all about?

The Two Kinds of Knowing

Our Western world has long had a love affair with the left side of the brain. In case you are not aware, the left hemisphere is home to that which is logical, linear, and language-oriented. It is the side of the brain where our conscious awareness resides. Lefty likes to push us to measure, quantify, plan, and describe. That half of our noggin is not a particular fan of the imaginative, creative, random, or touchy-feely. No, the apparatus for all that is in the right side of the brain – and it often gets the short end of the stick.

I wish I had a nickel for every time in my life I have heard someone say, “prove it,” whenever spirituality or some other intangible topic is broached. It is as if you must be able to touch it, weigh it, or otherwise explain it in concrete terms in order to know something exists or is true.

Answer me this, then. Do you love someone? How do you know? How much do you love them? Is it a pound? A mile? A cubic meter? What about what happens inside of you when you look at a beautiful landscape or hear a moving piece of music? Have you ever been so inspired after such an experience that you have suddenly solved a problem you have struggled with for ages? Think about the time your friend tried for an hour to explain something to you but when she told you an analogy, you suddenly understood. Is all of this a lie because you cannot always define “how you know it” in specific terms?

The truth is, there are two kinds of knowing. Now, let me stop here and say that what I am writing in this article is “based on a true story.” I am most certainly overgeneralizing. Not everything I am thinking about or referring to is relegated precisely to one or the other side of our brain. The concept remains that there is more than one way for our brain to skin the proverbial cat. (Sorry kitty).

In keeping with the love of our left side, I will start there. Whenever we talk about the workings of that region of our brain, we can use the tried-and-true word, “know.” If I ask you what you had for dinner, your left (explicit-memory-oriented) side dutifully says, “Pick me! I know !” and shouts out, “Tacos!” Words, numbers, time, tangible memories, and structure pour forth with what seems like little effort. Nothing new here.

However, when we begin to tap into the incredible vastness of our right half, accessing imagery, body sensations, and holistic perception, we find a different sort of knowing. Unbeknownst to some of us, there is a word for this, and it is noesis. Noesis (or, noetic knowing) psychologically speaking, refers to more of an innate, intuitive, body-sensation-based comprehension. In his book, Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation , Dr. Daniel Siegel discusses the idea of noesis and explains how it works with such mental processes as neuroception, interoception, intuition, and imagination.

Which One Is Right?

“Wow. Okay. So, there are two ways to know things. Great. Which one is right?”

I expected that question from we mostly left-leaning folks!

The answer is both and neither.

I will explain with a couple of examples. Think about the recent fad of eating soy. For a period of time, everyone and their brother was a strong proponent of eating this meaty bean. It was suggested, at least in my hearing, that it was the cure-all for just about anything that ailed you. “Research showed” that eating heaps of soy would result in weight loss, improved memory, and reduction of your risk of some cancers. This was touted as a fact for a few years. Then, low and behold, other well-funded research studies were conducted and the next thing we know, everything we read warned us to stay away from the over-estrogenated product. We weighed, measured, and studied this and still came up with something wrong. Likewise, the fact-focused left brain can get things wrong.

Now, let’s think about that person we all know who had a terrible first love experience and swore off romance for the rest of their lives. Every time they accompany us to a gathering that includes people to whom they are attracted, they complain vehemently that, “Something feels wrong,” and “All men are dogs,” and they warn us to beware and get out. Everything in their body tells them they are right – and yet, they are mistaken.

These two instances illustrate the fact that both our knowledge-based and our noetic knowing can be wrong. Yes, it is true.

If you think of your brain largely as a file cabinet, storing all your experiences, mental processes, and perceptions, then it is important to know that some of the files are downright incorrect, while others have been put there by crackpots, the media, society, and eccentric Uncle Charlie. In other words, not everything in our head is there with your awareness and permission, and not everything rattling around in there is accurate. Both left-brain files and right-brain files can be corrupted.

Don’t panic.

The vast majority of our files are just fine. However, every single day, we run across old thought processes or “things we know,” that simply are not true (or, not true any longer). Because we have so revered the left side “knowing,” and have hyped it as accurate, we rarely take into consideration what the other side has to say. In fact, we seldom stop to check things out at all.

The Logical Left

I believe one reason we like the left-side-logic-brain so much is because of its cut-and-driedness. It is objective, practical, analytical, and what comes out of it is much more available to the masses as relatable and objective. Safety in numbers. If a million people agree that the sky is blue, rocks are hard, and a pound equals sixteen ounces, then it must be true. Right?

Much of the time, probably yes. However, the fact is though our brains can outwork even the Cray in sheer computational ability when it comes to volume, the lefty is pretty weak. A number of research studies have been done on the executive functioning area of the brain and how much stimuli it can actually process at one time. A couple of decades back, it was accepted that the magic number was seven. More recent research points to four. When it comes down to the nitty-gritty, to the things like writing reports, feeding babies, driving cars, and other things we humans do, the truth is, we can usually only focus wholeheartedly on one measly thing at a time. For this, I refer to our conscious awareness. Surely, the mega-machine that is our brain is doing much more in the non-conscious regions. However, we tend to make decisions consciously and the astronomical complexity of everyday human life really beats us down there. When we put all our eggs in our left-brain logic and reason, we end up moving through life duped into thinking we can handle way, way more than we can.

Simply speaking, we cannot possibly guess the sheer number of variables that will interfere with our everyday thoughts. Wonderful, well-funded studies are created by people with brains. Those people, looking, say, at the effect of soy on weight loss will create studies that are as rigorous and unbiased as possible – but they will, in fact, not be looking at the same time at how hormones are affected or what the impact of toxins in the environment is. We simply cannot accommodate all the possibilities at once.

The Creative Right

Where the left side is limited, the right side is near infinite. The randomness and massiveness of what goes on in that untethered, timeless, wordless space is astounding. As a trauma and anxiety therapist who uses imagery and other expressive and experiential techniques as well as cognitive methods, I see the incredible depth of what is often trapped in our bodies and imaginations. There is no time or words on the left side, but there is color, shape, sensation, story, and a myriad of other highly valuable information that are healing and transformative when considered.

The problem with righty is its propensity to poke our limbic system when upset. The right-brain’s language is sensation, space, and image. Next time you have a chance, peek over a tall bridge or walk around your house with your eyes closed. You will undoubtedly feel unpleasant sensations in your body signaling alarm and peril. The fight or flight systems of our brains are grand over-generalizers. They always err (and err deeply) on the side of caution. When trauma, anxiety, or illness invade the files of our right brain, the resulting emotional responses can color everything we experience. The end result is what we know “with our whole being” may be based on a sensation and not something existing in reality.

What Can I Trust Then?

I will answer this with the adage, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

If you line up a good number of people and every one of them agree with your left-brain analysis of X, Y, or Z, and the knowledge seems to work just fine in practice, then I think you are safe in trusting your overt cognitions. Same goes for the right side. If what you feel and how you act on “autopilot” does not land you in a ditch relationally and your body seems to be working in balance, then whatever is connected to your intuition is probably reliable. The goal, then, is to pay attention to patterns of when things are not working smoothly.

When what “everyone says” does not seem true for you, stop and take a closer look. When what “feels right” lands you in trouble, take some time and think about it.

None of us speaks “Amygdala” very well yet. We will not always know what our bodies are trying to tell us. It will take a bit of trial and error – but neuroscience is uncovering landmarks all the time and we must start somewhere. We cannot keep believing that we know only that which can be described by our five basic senses. There is more to this rich life than the concrete.

Why Does This All Matter?

People who come to see me are in agony because of the untold number of unprocessed experiences floating around in their somatic experience. No one tells them what is happening and many who describe their experience are not believed and may even be belittled. Others build their lives on “things they know” or “things they feel” without understanding the balance a whole-brained approach can provide.

I think we need to take a step back and look at life with fresh eyes and open minds. In other words, I think it is time to stop lauding the concrete left side and fearing the vagueness of the right side. We need to start tapping into the considerable wisdom the right hemi has to offer. We need to learn to temper our corporeal sensations with our rational interpretations – and we will never do that if we do not explore and address both.

If you struggle with anxiety, relationship problems, trauma, depression, or have had a lifetime of struggle you cannot put into words, stop. Ask yourself what you know and what you feel. Ask yourself what is most true in the present moment . Seek out both cognitive and expressive methods of therapy and learning. My suggestion is to start with a new consideration of the somatic (often thought of as “woo woo”) world.

Keep reading. Keep exploring. Keep imagining.

DRAWING THE LINES: FINDING BOUNDARIES

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

Hannah Smith

Survivor to Thriver

Boundaries are an important part of life. They help us see where we end and others begin. They define and protect us. They let good things in and keep trouble away. In a way, they are like a fence around someone’s house or property. Sound pretty good, don’t they? Think about every person you care about. Would you want them to have boundaries and to keep them safe?

What about you?

Many people struggle with their own boundaries. In fact, as you read the first sentence of this article, you may have noticed a knot forming in your stomach at the very thought. Were you tempted to stop and read something else “more pleasant”? If so, it is understandable. Boundaries require us to say, “No” and to ask for things we want and even need. This means we may sometimes need to subject at least an aspect of our hopes and expectations to others. People can say no or push back. This is a scary thought. To protect ourselves from the potential pain of establishing boundaries, the idea can become twisted in our minds. Suddenly, it becomes a question of being nice. Laying a boundary begins to feel akin to an act of mutiny or arrogance.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

The following are other common thoughts that get in the way of laying boundaries:

I Don't Want to Hurt Anyone

This is a frequent and understandable concern. Most of us have had the experience of saying no and seeing the other person react in a negative manner. Imagine you decide to tell your sibling you will not lend them money anymore. This may truly cause them discomfort – they will have to do the work to figure things out another way. If they are intolerant of our boundaries, our “no” may result in a broken relationship. In such a case, it is easy to believe it was the “no” itself that caused the breach. However, the truth is the person took it as a rejection rather than a boundary . In such cases, it was not the “no” but the other person’s understanding of it that was the issue. Remember, most people you draw boundaries with will see you again in multiple situations. If they choose to be patient and accepting of our limits, they will learn that we do not say no to everything. This will help them learn to tolerate our “no” better over time. Learning to draw the line may be difficult for others or cause inconvenience, but healthy boundaries are not harmful.

Drawing Boundaries is Selfish

This is another commonly held belief about boundaries. Many messages in our world indicate that we must “pour ourselves out for others” and to do anything for ourselves is wrong. A different way to look at this is to think of “selfish” as “me first” and “self-centered” as “me only”. It may not be Webster’s definition, but it proves a point. There are plenty of times we need to focus on ourselves (when we are sick, on our birthday, when we win a prize, for example), but as a general rule, “Me only” is destructive to relationships. However, “me first” is necessary. Think about how you are feeling right now. What are you thinking about? Are you sad? Lonely? Angry? Hungry? Bored? Have you ever said, “I’m fine!” when asked how you feel, but truthfully, you felt terrible? Do you see? Whatever state you are in is only known by you. Therefore, boundaries and self-care must start with you!

I Don’t Have Boundaries Because There Is No Real Me (I Don’t Know Who I Am)

Some people have grown up with others who have strong personalities. Many of us have been subject to constant, external messages that cause us to feel bad or unsure about our own likes, dislikes, wishes, and needs. When this is not addressed, a person can lose a sense of themselves. They never say no to anything, and they do not really learn who they are. People who feel this way often feel a great deal of sadness or resentment. If this resonates with you, then know that it is important to go on the quest it will take to find yourself so you can see and learn that your unique take on life is a blessing to others.

Implementing and enforcing boundaries when we have not had them previously is tricky. It takes time, support, and exploration – but it is worth the effort. Next time you struggle with boundaries, remember they are not selfish, mean, or weak. If you do not know what you want or what you like or do not like, then pursuing that knowledge is a worthy endeavor.

Boundaries help us know where it is safe to tread. Imagine streets with no lines, zoos with no cages, and houses with no doors. Drawing the lines we need to define ourselves and keep ourselves safe brings freedom both to ourselves and others. Boundaries are a gift.

WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH?

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

Hannah Smith

I sit at my desk, transfixed. On the screen before me, in all its grandeur, is my weekly schedule.

How did I do this again?

Search as I may, I find little breathing room, little margin. Closing the calendar, lest tears of frustration begin to fall, I half-heartedly move my cursor over to my “To do” sticky note. It is a reasonable length, but the core of my being knows there are things missing from the list. Things that will pop into my mind as I try to drift off into the sleep I so desperately need in order to keep up with the overflowing agenda and endless lists. My stomach clinches, my mind races, and everything begins to shut down. It is too much.

Stop. Breathe. Try again.

“No,” becomes my favorite word for a few days. Smiles find their way to my face as I see a dwindling of appointments. Down time begins to emerge as a real possibility. Whole afternoons and even days off lay before me. It feels nice…for a few minutes. Then, the fear creeps in.

Am I doing enough?

My “no” disappears and the cycle starts all over again. Too much, not enough. Too much, not enough. Maddening, exhausting, and demoralizing. Certainly not the best way to live.

Something's Gotta Give

This kind of back-and-forth cycle defined my life for over four decades. Dearth or famine and not a lot in between. Crying on the drive to work for dread of the overwhelming day that lay ahead or depressing amounts of boredom and purposelessness when I reduced the load too much. In either direction it was always too much. I either moved too fast to enjoy life or too slow to properly engage with it. Whatever I did, it never felt right…it never felt enough.

I often wondered why I was even on the planet if I could never get this right.

And this from one who has felt a deep call from God to serve and bless others and has bubbling passion for it – at times.

If You Don't Fight It, You Succumb

The truth is life for anyone can quickly bubble over or dry up if we do not pay attention and sort some things out. The apparatus between our ears – yes, our brain – is a well-oiled, programmed machine. All day long, six times a second for the right side and five times a second for the left side, our brains scan ourselves and our environments to ascertain who, where, and how we are. If we imagine a head full of files (another way of thinking about well-wired neural pathways), then the determination of our who, where, what comes from what is in those files.

But that is not necessarily the only question to ask.

From the moment we are born, we are sponges, soaking up everything in and around us, formulating understanding of life based on incorporating new knowledge into previous understanding. In the early years, we probably change our mind about things a million times, but at some point, we settle on interpretations and judgments. These become the basis of what moves us when we are not consciously making choices. Therefore, it is not only what is in the files, but from where the content has come.

Walk through a mall with a thirty-foot-tall Victoria’s Secret model or turn on the television or Youtube to display the latest idol or influencer. Read a magazine, talk to a person with a differing political view, have a chat with mom or dad, or tune into the latest and hottest new TED talk or podcast. All these acts have a way of adding to our files. If we are not actively using discernment with whatever we pipe into our eyes or ears, then that which is perceived as “evidence for” a preconceived belief is retained and whatever is “evidence against” is tossed out. This is how our rather binary (“associative”) brain works.

Put more simply, if you (yes, you and literally every other human) do not actively fight against external programming you do not endorse, you will succumb to it – and the external company line of our society is: More, more, more OR less, less, less. This rhetoric will run your life if you do not put a stop to it.

What's the Answer?

It comes down to awareness and balance.

When you first saw the title of this blog, you may have thought, “Oh boy, another blog on how I’m doing too much!” Yes, but as you can see, it can go both ways. The idea is not necessarily to do more or less, but to start to pay attention to what you are doing and then go about figuring out the magic mix of life that is enough for you.

This endeavor begins with awareness. You must first see where you are before you can decide where to go next. What are you doing with your days? Which activities drain you and which feed you? What does the noise in your head say when you try to change course? Whose voice(s) do you hear and why do you listen? Take a look at all the major areas of your life, such as work, social, finances, spirituality, entertainment, etc.

Once you have a grasp on how you spend your days, you then need to understand that the word balance does not mean equal. In other words, one does not need all areas of life to have the same number of hours, degrees of effort, or return on investment to be balanced. Early in my career as a therapist, a person on my caseload had a high-powered job that regularly spent nearly (and sometimes over) one hundred hours of work each week. My first thought was they drastically needed to reduce their hours. However, after some time, it became evident that was not the case. They engaged in a particular hobby for ninety minutes a week and this gave them balance. They enjoyed the challenges of work and realized the freedom to engage in loved hobbies came from the prestigious and lucrative nature of their work. They had no trouble taking time off, but when they worked, they threw their whole selves in and this worked well for them.

This is certainly not everyone’s norm, but the truth is, no one else can tell us what our balance point is. It is something we must go on a quest to discover for ourselves – and once we find it, we must guard it, protect it, and ensure it as best we can.

Finding Balance

There is no one-size-fits all road to discovering your balance. However, a few suggestions may help.

Figure Out Your Priorities

If you listen to everyone else and all of society and current culture, you will miss living your own life – and this is a sure recipe for out-of-balance living. Therefore, pay attention to what success means and feels like to you. Take everything and everyone out of the equation to start. Look first at your core values. Research shows decisions based on values are more likely to result in overall happiness. Knowing what matters to you will go a long way to prevent over or under work.

Figure Out Your Purpose

For this discussion, purpose means doing what connects you to that which is greater than you. It entails contribution, work, sacrifice, reward, and achievement. It is not always fun and comfortable, but it is that which gets your blood pumping and makes you feel most alive and connected. No human can tell you what that is. It is for you to discover. Pay attention to your likes and dislikes. If you pray, then do so thoughtfully and really listen. When you identify your unique place in this world do not apologize for it. Are you a stay-at-home mother? Wonderful. Are you a savvy businessperson who does not want the trappings of a family? Equally great. Whatever it is, you will be most balanced and not lured into extra work or pushed into shut down if you are living the life that is uniquely yours.

Figure Out Your Measuring Sticks

American society will have you believing that comfort, money, power, and happiness are the measuring sticks that equate success. Contrary to this popular belief, this is not the case for most people. Yes, I said most people. It is true the adage, “Money can’t buy happiness,” is not entirely true – but only to a point. Once we become slave to whatever gives us the money, we no longer feel satisfied. There is forever going to be another “new and shiny” whatever out there – having it does not equal success if your heart and soul are dying. Other possible measuring sticks may be a sense of accomplishment, thriving connections to others (community), joy at the start and/or end of the day, strength in perseverance. There are many measuring sticks – find the one that helps you maintain both fruitfulness and adequate rest.

Use Your Environment

Once you find your spot on this earth, do not expect that you will stay there on your own. You need landmarks, routines, check points, and external prompts to help you remember who you are and where you are going. Set time aside on a regular basis to check in. Create routines that help you do important tasks without thinking or being swayed by outside forces. Building your abundant life will not just happen. You must maintain awareness and be intentional. No one can do this 24/7, so find a way to remind yourself.

Celebrate More

Life is hard, folks. Them’s just the facts. It is also beautiful and highly rewarding if you find your niche. Every single step away from misery and toward fulfillment is worth a celebration. Create a list of small-large things that constitute a celebration for you. A high-five? Manicure? Afternoon off? Dinner out? What helps you mark your progress. None of us will keep on the road to success if it is all “have tos” and drudgery. Don’t wait for others. Create your own joy – they will join in, trust me!

This journey to finding the sweet spot of “enough” will have curves and bumps for sure. I teach this information every day and even I fall down and get lost from time-to-time. Life is just too big and when it is, shut down happens. I accept that. When I fall, I take stock of what I think the cause is, dust myself off, talk to myself with encouragement and compassion, and get back up. The mistakes and falls we make are not failures, folks – they are fertilizer in the soil of your abundant life.

Written by book author , blogger, & educational/motivational speaker, Hannah Smith, MA LMHC CGP. Founder and owner of The Village Coaching Collective Project., Hannah provides consultation, training, and personal development services. Hannah’s passion is to see people reach their potential and find lasting, positive change. If you have topics you want to suggest, please don’t hesitate to contact her at Hannah@PotentialFinders.com and check out www.PotentialFinders.com or Facebook to learn more.

Photo Credit: This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC

ONION SEASON

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 14:46:21 GMT

Hannah Smith

Thinking Out Loud

I admit it. I’ve been in a bit of a funk and struggle in the last couple of months. I find myself in moments of tearfulness and other times, I feel a disconnect and indifference to life.

A few weeks back, I started a new routine in the morning where I got up and walked around our block. Doesn’t sound like much. It’s a big block – almost a mile around. Most people who know me see me as a morning person – and I am. However, soon after the pandemic hit, I began sleeping in later and later and even staying in bed until ten or eleven o’clock in the morning some days playing my solitaire game. You would think that would have been a signal of something to me after over nine years of healthy morning routine…but that’s the subtlety of depression. It can start small and ease its way in unbeknownst to its host.

The walking really helped – for a few days. I felt accomplished and bouncy for the first time in a year. However, when the gray clouds returned and it moved from a novelty to a routine, it lost a bit of its sparkle. I kept it up – and I am glad…but the return on investment seemed to shrink each day.

Then it happened. I’m not sure what it was exactly. Something a book I was listening to said or a fleeting thought that caught hold. I’m not sure which. Something set me off and I spent several hours in gut-wrenching sobbing. It was as if the sadness of all of life hit me full force. Images in my mind made me feel more and more isolated as the day went on. I thought to lay down “for a minute” that turned into hours. Staring, I could not move. It all felt so heavy.

Haven’t I gotten over all this yet? I thought I was healed.

I am sure I am not the only one who has had these kinds of thoughts – and y’all, I teach healing and recovery tools every single day in one way or another!

Here is a bit of good news: As long as you are alive, you will have sadness, anger, anxiety, and even depression (not the disorder, just the emotion) from time-to-time. Why is that good news, you ask? Well, my friend, because NONE of these things are character flaws. None of it means you have failed. Oh, don’t get me wrong – we must pursue helpful and healthful responses to our thoughts, emotions, and situations – but no, it is never…yes, I did just say that…never ever wrong to feel these things. Not. Ever.

Times like these, when I enter the forest that grows darker and darker before I know it, when I overflow with feelings that feel foreign and friendly all at the same time, when I’m pushed toward thoughts and behaviors I thought were long gone, these are what I now call, “Onion seasons.” We’ve all heard that metaphor that recovery is like an onion. It is trite to say, I’m sure, but there is truth to it. Not only are we multilayered and astronomically complex, so is all of life. Some more good news? For as long as you live, you will never reach the core of your onion. Nope. Never. You will not arrive and no pleasant emotion will last. Are you getting the hang of this now? Can you guess why this is good news? Again – it’s not a failing on our parts. We are far too unique, rich in depth and color, and continually unfolding to ever “get a handle on it” fully.

Don’t hear me wrong. I’m not saying we can’t reach a place of stability. I just think we have to redefine what that actually means. Stable does not always mean steady, unmoving, or “together.” Stable engines in cars misfire all the time – but they know how to reconnect and keep going. Stable, to me, means a system that can right itself when knocked for a loop. This may entail some solace, solitude, time to regroup or it may involve a pity party with friends followed by a solution session. It can take a million forms but the goal is to get back up after every fall. That’s it. That’s all.

There was a time in my life if anyone would have offered me the “magic blue pill” to yank me out of my onion seasons, I’d have taken it without a bat of a single eyelash. Now, though…I would not trade a single one of them for all the money in the world. Were they worth it? Some of them yes, some of them no. Am I worth the work needed to build an abundant life? YES. Whatever it takes to live a life of striving toward abundant love, life, and joy is worth it to me.

Mistakes, valleys, missteps, and blunders are not failures, folks – they’re fertilizer. They seed the soil of life with valuable information and experience that allow us to be relatable and compassionate. When you fall – and you will fall (whatever that means to you) – don’t beat on yourself. Debrief it. See what sent you there and create supports to prevent it if you want to but, don’t self-flagilate. Not everything that happens is good – but everything can be redeemed for good. If you have not had a life that evidences that, keep seeking. I’m not the only one who sees this.

You. Are. Worth. The. Quest.

Week 2: Word of the Day: Philia

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 05:35:25 GMT

How has your week of “storge-ing” gone? Are you more aware of both your willing acceptance of your loved ones’ flaws and any boundaries you need to draw?

This week, we are moving on to our next form of love: Philia. See the chart below.

Said in another way, Philia is “Deep friendship love.” This is not the surface-level amity we feel for chum or buddy. One of the defining features of this kind of love is that if the two who share it are separated by time and distance, once they are back together, it will feel as if no time has passed, there will be little-to-no awkwardness, and the connection will feel as if it had never been broken.

Now, storge’s uniqueness was that it threw form to the wind and accepted all its objects, “as is.” This is also a great asset.

Philia also has peculiarities and assets.

First, of all the loves, this is the one we do not need. A human can live their entire life without any deep friendships and poke along just fine, eating, sleeping, working, and even playing…but they will miss a great richness, security, and abundance in life. Sadly, they don’t know what they are missing and therefore may not pursue it.

Secondly, and perhaps the strongest benefit of this love is that philia magnifies your “you-ness.” What I mean is, suppose you want to be a nurse. You know it will be daunting to go to school for this job. However, if you share philia with someone (the object), they will spur you on, encourage you, and brag about you. Whatever your good ideas are, they will amplify them. Your bad ideas will be squashed, but it will feel like you’ve been given a prize because true philia generally makes you feel really good about yourself, even your mistakes.

In contrast, it can also be the challenge of philia if we unknowingly connect with folks who do the flip opposite, amplifying our bad ideas and squashing our good ones, thereby sending us feeling just as self-assured but in the wrong direction. Create the right set of circumstances and philia will turn docile, loving people into raving maniacs who run around robbing banks, being rude to others, or any number of other inhospitable or harmful actions – and they’ll fell pretty dang smug while doing it! This is more than safety in numbers, this is someone who knows you well, cares about you, has a deep connection with you and is hoorah-ing everything you do. It is near impossible to see the fault in it.

Philia, then, is a mirror love. It is deep and bonding, not easily broken. It is not necessary. You can walk around this world with no mirror. When it is accurate, safe, and healthy, the mirror makes you stronger, shinnier, and braver. When it is distorted, this mirror will make you look ten feet all when, in fact, you are sinking in quicksand.

In our next post, we will examine this dichotomy a bit further so you have some way to recognize clear versus distorted philia mirrors. Until then…think about your deep friendships. Do you have any? Do the fruits of those friendships improve your life or land you in trouble? If it’s the latter, don’t worry. There is hope. Let’s talk about it next time.

Week 3: Word of the Day: Eros

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 05:31:58 GMT

Are you ready for some lovey-dovey talk today?

Let’s check out our word of the day:

We have learned about family/familiar love (storge) and deep friendship love (philia). Today, we’ll play footsy with romantic love.

Eros is the “falling in love” aspect of long-term romantic relationships. It is that biochemical firehose wash of emotion that takes your breath away and fills you with over-the-top joy, focus, purpose, and herculean energy. This love has its object(s) sharply in focus and itself, the source, is happily flung out of view, for a while at least. Eros moves mountains for its object(s). This love has been spoken of as the, “Closest thing to heaven on earth.”

And…you guessed it, there is a downside. Yep! It is all just a bit too good to be true because that valiant Eros is also a liar.

I am going to quote C.S. Lewis again because he literally wrote the book on The Four Loves1 (along with others over time). He calls Eros, “The dive,” of romantic love. Storge is the “Swim.” They are a different set of love muscles. The dive is exciting, thrilling, and feels amazing while it is happening. The swim, well, not so much sometimes. It is a different kind of thrill, a different kind of feel good. It is one that is subtle and felt over time.

Eros tells us the dive will last forever.

If we look to Eros to provide some fuel a long-term romantic relationship, and we call it up now and again, then all will be well (at least in this area). However, if all we ever expect is the electricity of eros, we will eventually (sometimes, rather quickly) be let down. The monotony of life will catch our attention and we will think all the joy is gone. Some people love eros so much, they end relationships the moment he dims from view.

There is a certain type of connection needed to move from eros to storge. However, for those of us who have had attachment wounding or developmental trauma, this move can feel like the end rather than a beginning. We will dive more into this on Thursday. Come back then to learn more about how to equip yourself to find adventure, hope, and joy in the long swim that is life with your partner.

1. Lewis, C.S., (2017) The Four Loves; Reissue Edition. HarperOne. New York, NY.

Word of the Day: Agape

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Sat, 10 May 2025 05:18:13 GMT

Storge, philia, and eros are the loves we have learned about so far this month. I group them together like this because just as each differs from each other, all three together differ from the love we will discuss today. These three are known as the “Natural Loves,” while today’s is often called, “The Divine Love.”

As mentioned in the main blog, Love by Any Other Name Might Just Help! this really isn’t about religion. The Christian church has used our word of the day: Agape, quite extensively over the ages because of its reputation as a “High and selfless form” of love. However, there are universal applications. Here is the chart from that blog:

Before we dig into agape, a final word on the other three loves. As mentioned, these are the “Natural loves.” This means they are the love “between creatures,” and are meant to be reciprocal. More on that in a minute.

Have you ever had someone tell you that you must, “Love them unconditionally?” When it comes to storge, philia, and eros, this statement simply cannot hold and, most often, is actually code for something more like, “You must do all I ask of you without complaint or resistance, even if it is wrong, hurtful, or diminishing.” As we saw in For the Love of Family blog that ought not be the case and we need to be weary of such family philosophies.

Agape, on the other hand, is quite opposite to the natural loves.

Let us do a bit of compare and contrast so you can see this.

The natural loves are reciprocal. These loves originate in the source and are presented to the object with a hopeful expectation for return. Agape is from source to object without the need (or even hope in some cases) of return.

Receiving the natural loves from a source feels wonderful and life-giving. Oddly enough, though we desperately need it, we rather hate agape love.

“Wait, what? We hate love?”

I know. This is difficult to grasp.

Agape is from source to object, one-way. Of course, the object may return the love, but it is not required, nor does the behavior of the object matter at all. When this love is reciprocated, it is literally the tie that binds people together. Some example might help.

Jez and Celia have been partners for years. No matter how hard Celia tries to drop hints, though, Jez always forgets her birthday.

Carlos’ sister Carmen comes over every Thursday to babysit his kids. This is a great help, but she always leaves the kitchen a complete mess.

Jaben and Marcos have been married for three years. They share a daughter and work together in the family business. Try as he might, Marcos cannot get Jaben to do the business paperwork in a timely manner.

Agape is the love that keeps all these people together.

“But wait, I still don’t get why we hate agape.”

Agape is extended from source to object as a grace in most cases. It is undeserved.

We hate to receive things undeserved. We want to be significant, powerful, and worthy.

Agape says we ARE worthy simply because we are! We do not need to earn it and therefore, we fret that we won’t. Agape is so necessary to all the other loves that we know instinctively we cannot live without it and yet when it is offered, we fear we do not deserve it.

Our culture does not make this very easy as there are so many messages that tell us that we don’t, in fact, deserve it. On Thursday, we will end our month of love with a discussion about the idea of agape and worthiness. If you have ever felt fear that you are not good enough or you have ever been unsure about when to continue to extend love in the face of failure from the object of your love, then you won’t want to miss this one!

Until then – love, love, love!!

MOVING TOWARD CENTER

searchhounds@gmail.com (Search Hound) — Tue, 06 May 2025 03:35:49 GMT

PRIDE & Faith

I have someone I’d like you to meet, but first a bit of backstory.

By the time you read this, Easter will have passed, and we will be ever nearer the joy of PRIDE month. Being a person of faith and an aspiring ally working as an advocate and activist to the LGBTQIA+ community, I know all too well the oddness of the juxtaposition of those two events for many people. Daily, I read countless messages of people fighting for and wrestling with their faith, wondering how the same traditions that have brought comfort, peace, and purpose in their lives have also produced people who treat them so horrendously.

Religious or not, when hundreds of bills that lead to dangerous, life-altering, and dehumanizing laws are proposed and passed by government officials who say they speak for and follow God, and when some of those same people spew vitriolic hate toward genderqueer children, how can anyone not walk away feeling outrage, bewilderment, and despair?

This is where I spend my days. In the muck and the mire of it all, hoping to offer a tiny light of hope or a kind and soothing word to a bruised and beaten soul. I also do what I can to provoke thought, educate and, when possible, shout and holler about the injustice of it all.

I am not alone. Honored and humbled, my little feet occupy a tiny corner of a mighty ring of champions far greater and more knowledgeable than myself. People who send me marveling at their beauty, resilience, and mind-blowing wisdom every day.

Billie is one of these people.

I first met Billie online on Twitter almost eighteen months ago (Yeah, I’m still in rebellion and refuse to call it “X”).

I was struck first by her persistence at providing daily affirmations to her trans siblings across the globe. It did not take long before I saw how brilliant she was in at least half a dozen other arenas, including history, theology, and blog writing on a myriad of topics. She has been such a help and inspiration to me.

Flash forward to January of this year when I attended a large Queer Christian Conference held in Albuquerque. Joy of joys, I was able to meet her and a few of the other daily warriors I’d only ever interacted with online. As we rushed from one seminar to another, we stole a moment in a common area to take the selfie at the top of this story. What a treat!

Now, why am I telling you about Billie when I am supposed to be writing a piece on PRIDE and faith?

Here’s why.

During the conference, Billie introduced me to several magnificent new concepts I had not heard before. One is a word/concept she and her brother coined: “Eucontamination” – which, in great brevity, is something like “infecting for good.” You will definitely want to read her article about that !

She also spoke on something called “Bounded set versus center set” theology – and my brain exploded.

As did my heart.

The religion I’ve been most affiliated with in my life has been the Christian tradition. I love and try to follow the teachings of Jesus, who, surprisingly to some, I believe would be open to all people everywhere, wherever they are on their journey. I also happen to believe that certain Christian belief systems are the primary underlying reason for much of what is wrong and harmful in our country, and I mean to make that known. Calling oneself Christian does not, in fact, mean one adheres to the teachings of Jesus.

Gandhi knew this. He once said, “If all Christians acted like Christ, the whole world would be Christian.”

When I returned from my trip and found time to do some polls. I found most people who responded had never heard of these concepts. My wheels began to turn, and they are still going strong!

Many of those I work with still want to have faith but after being so tremendously harmed by the church, they’re bewildered at how a people who are meant to be following someone like Jesus can be so cruel. They don’t know what to make of it all.

Thanks to Billie, I feel like I have a bit of an answer to that now. Here’s how I understand and explain it.

Bounded-set theology in Christianity (it’s also a mathematical concept) essentially says that Jesus is a singular (i.e. very small) point in the center of a circle surrounded by a great boundary. Those within the boundary belong to Jesus and those outside do not. It’s the very definition of “Us against them.” Proximity within the circle might matter to some, but true interaction with or emulating of Jesus is not necessary. Just being in, however close to the edge, is enough.

Center-set theology , on the other hand, says that Jesus is a large point at “the center,” but there are no boundaries, no “in or out,” no “us and them.” Just Jesus and everyone else. It also says any movement toward love is a movement toward the center, toward Jesus. There is freedom of choice and there is allowance for all people to be exactly where they are without condemnation.

Can you see where I’m going with this now?

What is PRIDE if not a festival of acceptance, affirmation, and inclusion of our fellow humans? And what is that but a movement of love?

Sure, there’s fun and joy and even some mischief (which, I sort of think Jesus would often join in with, but that’s me). I, personally, have seen far more love during PRIDE events than I have in many of the religious gatherings I’ve attended.

Our world is a mess right now, especially in the United States. As we edge toward June and you start to hear the complaints and venom coming from any religious group, get the picture of the bounded set and center set in your mind and don’t let anyone take your faith from you.

In PRIDE, you will find you are worthy, loved, legitimate, and most definitely moving toward the center, toward love!

Thank you for reading! If you want to read more of the theology behind these two systems, you can read my article Breaking the Boundaries on Faith and for Billie’s brilliant work on the matter, Maybe We Should Talk about Center Set Churches Again . There’s a wonderful twist at the end, I highly recommend it!

Written by book author , blogger , & educational/motivational speaker, Hannah Smith, MA LMHC CGP. Certified Interpersonal Neurobiologist, Group Specialist & Founder of The Village Coaching Collective Project, LLC, Hannah provides cutting-edge holistic consultation, training, and a variety of innovative personal development services. Hannah’s passion is to see people reach their potential and find lasting, positive change.